violation cum validation
for the nth time i bounce back to my supposedly boyfriend. supposedly because it’s but virtual and what not. for the nth time i watched oprah earlier today.
i have made enough realization of my issues with my relationships. i now know, though i already recognize all the while, why i am being so impossible for a girlfriend.
i was really validated as a child. or worst yet, violated as a child.
what i am doing to my partner, is how my parents treated when i was a little. they got mad at me; told me things that are detrimental to my esteem; punished and beat me up. the bruises were nothing. it was all the statements that nurture the anger inside me. but i was so strong growing up. the aggression they showed had rather become a destruction to my personality. i grown to be a desirable being capable of anything (thank you TV). just do not let me invest my affection to someone, because things will start to go bad.
except for the beating part, i have said things to my boyfriend. although not that heavy, they were hurtful on his part. like the threats to leave, i mean leaving him in many occasions. those actions were actually founded on shallow reasons, which i could always rationalize into something of a bigger deal.
i love my boyfriend. though i say that, i am still in the process of giving him all. i mean, we are in a very complicated situation. he wants to see me; be with me for a day or two. however, i refused. i still have to settle my unresolve issues. i cannot be with him with this anger that i even deny to feel. i cannot say i love him with this rare emptiness.
i can reveal these things to him. but i want to save him from all my melancholia and then some. i have a feeling that he has a version of it. yet like i, he also wants to have a clean slate with me. i love him. i may not feel it with my heart, but i feel it with all of my soul. it is my soul that love him. because frankly and again, i am empty. all i have is a soul that is fighting to live for tomorrow.
i know i said things like, i want to live until my 25th; i want to perish at 27th; or yet, plan to exist by the 30th. it is because my life plan is based on my ability to exist alone and live life to the fullest. i have never considered sharing it. although i did and still sharing it at many points and ways, i never really care to mutually exist. then… be happy until now… with him.
time and time again with milk spills and cookie crumbles…. xuxu
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