seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

indeed the truth really sets the soul free. i finally break the cycle of my long depression just now. i told my mother that my father is cheating. and as of this moment the father is with his whore. he hanged up on my mom, because i became hysterical and kind of confronted him. salt in my skin really gave me that overdue courage.

i cannot hold my self up anymore. just the other day, he was talking to his clients and even became proud of his indecent acts. eventually, that triggered my sort of sanity (or insanity). i put on the usual slipknot heretic anthem.

you know why i can’t sleep? because the images of my father fucking some girl, whose about my age is haunting me. in addition to that, the nasty memories of my childhood came back: i, being raped over and over again by a son of a family friend. i was made to believed it was all a child’s play. when did sex ever became a child’s play? well, somehow bahay bahayan really is bahay bahayan; i was molested by an 80-year old father of a family friend. i even remembered him giving me a 2-peso bill. i was a child slut, huh? blah blah blah… it’s all coming back to me now.

but tonight, i snap back - or have i really snapped back - to reality. i want to put it that way though. i am fighting for my life against my self… my thoughts. as far as now, i have only two choices: to go crazy or to decisively kill my self. death is always a choice.

i know i said that i am not yet ready to tell. now i am. at least i can die well. no unfinished business. if i go to hell because i killed myself, what difference does it make? i’m in living hell anyway. at least i know that i burn because i killed my self, not because i am dwelling on bad thoughts. you know what… whatever.

trying to stay as much as sane could go…. xuxu