seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

Dear Kie,

I really have the strong urge to call you. But no, I won’t. What for? I don’t want to be dramatic or something like that. *sigh* I just need to talk to you about things, about the possibilities and what nots. I hope I’m not feeling this wanting alone. What’s keeping us? Is it your ego? Is it my withheld passion? … because I don’t want to rationalize, although I find my self doing that all the time whenever I get off the train until I slide that thin plastic so I can get out. Such a pretty metaphor, huh? I think so. What do you think?

Oh Kieran, I have a lot of things in my mind. I think I’m going crazy. Actually, I am already crazy. Crazy about you. Always have been. I wonder if you still are… about me. *deep gasp* I can no longer feel you like I used to, or maybe I refuse to feel you any more.

Seriously? I really couldn’t make a sense out of my thoughts. Or, maybe you’re right. I’m overdoing things. As much as I want to get away from you, I still and always find my self needing you. Definitely not you loving me, because baby you suck at it. Of all those times I’m being obnoxious, it’s because I want to feel your breath around my neck. I want to stare at the ends of your hair while you smell me. Oh well, for some freaking fucking untamed and unknown reasons, I need to love you. I can’t really explain, but I have to.

You’re not the one for me. We are not meant to be together. My dreams say so. Yuri says so. Yeah… I still dream of him, whenever some wrong guy is around me. I never really dream of him when I’m happily alone, with no male thoughts. Anyway, my point is that even we are not meant for each other, I am meant, and perhaps you are, to fight and prove and take hold of this one true love. Somehow I think I am just obsessing about you. I don’t think so. You don’t think so. Had I always been, I could’ve… I don’t know. Love is fuck up feeling. You just want to fuck it until it cums. I think I’m just pacing while doing real love. Whatever….

Anyway, I still feel the urge to call you. So what do you say? In fact, I also want to go to a bookstore and check some grammar books. Fuck! I think there’s really something wrong about the way I write. Or, is it that I have been writing formally and technically all the time that I have forgotten how to stray away from rules and jump into freewriting. The devil may care about my sentence structure.

I want to look at you right now. Smile at whatever you’re doing. I hope you’re not doing yourself, because I might as well do me. *stick out tongue and wrinkle nose* Can I say I miss you? Can I say I love you? Whatever Kie….

We are so unfair. You are so unfair. I am redeeming my self from the unfairness I have caused you and us a long time ago. Is this retribution cum karma cum punishment cum, why don’t you just cum to my face? Or hell fucks, I’ll swallow you’re cum! I think I’m being flirty trashy kinky… I don’t fucking care now! But definitely, I’m not horny.

You know I’ll lose grip and call you. I’m macrophobic. I have no patience. I easily get bored. But most of all, I miss you. I miss the feeling of being safe. Actually, it is just the idea of being safe. You don’t really protect me of any sort of effort. Your supposedly former love or whatever remained is the one embracing me and telling me that it’s going to be okay. I love you, you know. I’m still inlove with you… alone. *sigh* [November 16, 2007, 11:35AM]

In call contemplation,

Cielo

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