The chase
Dear Kie,
I never realize that all these times I am indeed chasing you after all. Excuse me for counting ways and efforts between us, but it has been me all the while. Or, maybe you make the first fews and then there I am. Chasing. Chasing you. I never chase a boy before. Why would I for any reason? It’s pointless. This is pointless, but still I keep chasing you and I don’t know if you’re taking pleasure in it; in my fucking misery.
I ask you if you’re lying, you sincerely tell me you are not. But of course, that does not leave the fact that you don’t tell me everything. I hate you. I will always hate you. How could I ever stop loving you. This lifetime is not even enough to let you know how much I love you.
Maybe you become my obsession. So fucking what? At least I feel normal. At least you keep me busy with the pain that makes it real for me.
I want to be love by you badly. But I don’t think you would ever give me that feeling again. It has been the most amazing feeling in my life. Perhaps that is why I could not let go of you. And you see how I try to fix everything, I don’t even know if you really see that. But it does not matter anymore. I don’t care anymore. All I know is I will dwell in this feeling you left.
You’re like a drug. An addiction. I’m still completely inlove with you, even if I have told you that I’m not and I want to fall inlove with you again. I would like to entertain the thought that you are still madly and deeply inlove with me. But with the waiting, and with what you have told me - ‘being inlove is like stopping the world from turning….’ and obviously you don’t like that anymore.
I still want that. I still want to stop the world and melt with you, or at least that’s how the song goes. I still want that Kie. Maybe somehow we could find a thing or two to make the world turn and work for the both of us. But all I could see is myself trying hard to win you again. I have swallowed my dignity for the second time for you, even if you have already broken my soul.
Well, guess what?! I will be miserable for the rest of my life if it’s the only way to feel your love. I would not ask for anything. I never ask for anything just so you know, because I want you to take a stand and do the things you’re suppose to, not me Kie. Not me.
I will never go back to you, because we don’t feel the same anymore. This is my love. I own this feelings. And if I die with a broken heart, it is my broken heart. I still have a broken heart because of you. But I love keeping this broken heart. I don’t even care if it hurts.
Whatever gets you through,
Cielo
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