seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

I’m still stuck. I can’t move. I can’t even pack. My room is like Frank’s aftermath minus the dead people. I’m writing, I should be packing. I have a crazy day. But, I’m so happy because I just found my baby. It’s green and perfect for me. Brad has called me, which I find it very sweet. He really cares.

While I’m still contemplating on packing, Kieran - out of nowhere - has sent me an SMS. Like, how long it’s been? Two months? I never ask anybody in my life to love me, I have only asked him. I want to cry right now. He always makes me cry. Maybe it’s the pain that keeps me. I’m almost having a nervous breakdown right now.  He always makes me hurt myself. He only loves me because I know how to love more than love itself.  I can’t breathe. I’m over him. I’m happy right now. People see that I am smiling. I can feel myself living and looking forward to tomorrow. He has never even cared to make me happy. I have begged him to write me a letter, how stupid of me. Letters make my happy. Words makes my spirit flutter. *sigh*

Yes, I will tell him about Brad, or just change my number. He always believes that I will always go back to him. It’s funny I never want to go back this time. I’ve never accepted Brad because I’m sad and I need someone. Yes, I am sad, miserable and really lost. But it’s okay if I’m like this, as long as I’m not hurting anybody. It doesn’t matter if I’m hurt. Nope, he is not the rebound guy. Because, I have made my rebounds two years or make it three in a row. It has created my own kingdom of deep depression and suicidal fantasies. I stoop down to the lowest level of my standards. I even lose my virginity to some random stoned guy, who has insisted that I’m not a virgin anymore. Yeah, I haven’t got over that thought. I’ve been saving myself, then all of a sudden I just decided to lose it to some loser. All because of Kieran. He even blamed me for it. Sure, I should’ve slept with him. Perhaps I have already died or killed myself if I lost it to him. Well, I did try to kill myself when I foun out he slept with someone.

I know I’m having an episode tonight. I’m so pathetic. There could no longer be us anymore. I know that heaven has finally noticed that I need to be loved too. *cry* Oh no… here I go.

I’m really happy Brad came along. Call me selfish, I don’t care. It’s about time. I have been so selfless to the extent that I’m hurting to the grounds. It’s different with him. I always have what I want even without asking. He knows when to be there. He knows. It’s all I want. Need. He brings me back the passion that Kieran killed. Yes, Kieran killed my passion. He made me throw away the best part of me. And time and time again I dream of Yuri over Kie. I have no Yuri dream on Brad. Not one. Pretty amazing.

I’m not being unfair with Brad, because I’m always ready to love him. It’s just that he has issues, which I don’t mind at all. I love him, actually. I feel that he deserves it.  We should’ve met a long time ago. Lol! I know he will not hurt me, because he knows even when I’m about to frown. He makes sure that I smile instead. I don’t have to ask him to love me because he already does, even if he doesn’t say it. He did actually, to Toph. I don’t care. I am happy. I feel like a princess. He has written me hokkus. Little words that have made me so happy. I never feel this way before - real happiness and truth. He is the Sunny Sunday Afternoon I’ve always wanted. He feels warm and fuzzy. I don’t know. I feel like a living person with him. I’m still in denial because it’s too good to be true. But, I will not go anywhere like I have always told him.

For the first time, there’s no question or guilt. No “What would Kieran think?”

I am free.

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