Spell SAD
Still stuck. It’s hard to be loved back. Perhaps that’s what happen to me. I love tormenting myself of not being loved but then loving absolutely. There’s something wrong with me. Well, in the normal concept of reciprocation and mutual standards of a relationship, I am a loser. Unconditional love is not possible between two people. There’s always these conditions. Love me and I will love you back. One makes sure that he or she is loved before he or she will love. That’s not me. It pains me most of the time because of the things I have done. I believe in true love in every sense of its meaning. I don’t hold any conditions. But please, please give me just a little sometimes. Thank me. Put even a grin on my face once in awhile. Ask me about my day. I don’t ask much of all these things, actually. I just wish them all somehow.
Should I call Kieran and tell him that I am happy? I don’t know if he really takes pleasure i hurting me. Wow, tears. Hello tears. I should change my number instead of calling him again. Wasting my skimboard savings. I could’ve bought like 5 foamies by now. I could’ve travel to 10 places I want to be. Yeah, maybe the feeling now is to hurt him back. I have cried for him for what 10 years? He has broken my heart and my soul. Well, I have to be brave. Write him a letter. He knows when I write a letter I am drop dead serious.
Well, if it won’t work out with Brad, at least I became happy for once. I have walked tall again. I am proud I have been happy. I can say that I am happy. I never been happy. I have been so afraid to be happy, but I am not right now. I have my passion back. I am happy. I’m so happy I think my eyes change its color when I smile in my sleep. Hihihihihihi. I’m so happy and then suddenly I am not. Who cares anymore?! I have been through worst. I want to cherish my smiles. I don’t care if they fade soon. Who cares?!
I don’t have a point in telling Kieran. I have sold every drama I have to him. I have humiliated myself in every way a girl could be. All he could say is, “Hows sad?” How apathetic could he further be? At least he could be sorry. Never been sorry, not even when he cheated on me. I don’t feel him anymore.
It’s pointless. My bestfriend don’t like him. My parents know he has made a fool out of me. My mother has told me, “You’re a smart girl, but you’re so pathetic and dumb with love.” My own mother. *tsk*tsk* Blame me for being a hopeless romantic.
I’m just a girl wit small wishes, not a girl with big ambitions. I dwell in little silly details. I want to be loved now, not in the future. I don’t believe in the sequel of life. This is it.
I have done everything, I have always been on the verge of asking Kieran - Please love me. What does that make me?
Oh well, I’m over that. But hey, self- remorse hangs around sometimes. And oh, sadness… my resident evil. I’m just going to be okay. With the habagat season; the thought of having my baby, awwww; and then, there’s Brad. How would he even react to this? I don’t know. I’ll pack tomorrow. Whatever.
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