seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

I’m contemplating a lot lately about my life. Ha! Not that I haven’t been constantly into thinking, reassuring and changing. Of course, for the greater good. It’s not that I want something out of it, but doing good feels good itself.  Perhaps that’s why I somehow fck up once in awhile, because doing good also comes within its limit. I mean, there is such thing as doing too much good, right? Hey, anything in excess is not good, right?

Anyhoo, I watch some TV or more of it lately and then it hit me. The seven deadly sins according to my actions:

1. Lust - Hmmnn. To start with, I really thank heaven that I never have those “natural” sexual thoughts on Brad. Yeah, I fancy him but it’s a really weird thought. I can’t really explain. It’s something new to me. My version of horny for him is beyond human perception. Again, really weird. I think it’s a PG 15 or 18 rather than Rated R, or worse yet Rated X.

Eventually, lust is not limited to sexual whatsoever. According to Dante’s Purgatorio, “excessive love for others also counts.” *thinking* Aha! Who have I loved so so so much that he has broken my soul? Yeah! So that’s why. Heaven really knows how to reveal itself in wisdom and in situations. “Love and devotion to God should not be secondary to anyone.” That’s why after all those prayers, all I get is a little clear voice: “Cielo, you have to stop, let go… please.” I hold on good, huh? Ten fcking long years. I can’t believe I’ve been so vainly pathetic stupid.

I’m just so thankful that I have someone now who is just right in every way. He has even reminded me that I have to be my own person. That, I should not make him the center of my life. That, I have to fulfill my mission in life. Baby, I’ve really tried to stoic off my tears when he said that. If I could just hold him and tell him how it really means to me. Yeah, I love him so like love should be.

And perhaps that’s why I’ve really felt so guilty and so down after all those supposedly sexual outbreak. I’m not really built to fck around and spread lust to the world. However, I have a constant battle with the playing with one’s self. It’s my way of exhausting that sexual feeling without really sinning with another being. But they say, it’s equally bad. So moving on…

2. Gluttony - It’s really a good thing that my body has a mind of its own. It revolts when I gain weight. I say, I have my moments. I think that’s why I get cranky when I gain a pound or two. There are different kinds of gluttony, actually -

• Eating too soon: guilty in a way or two. Yeah, I somehow eat when I feel like it.
• Eating too expensively: what is expensive? I treat myself once in awhile but not always.
• Eating too much: hahaha! Guilty lately. Sugar, sugar and more sugar. I have plans for the next days.
• Eating too eagerly: only when I think the food is good, and when someone needs appreciation.
• Eating too daintily: I never realize that eating too much according to how it looks like is a sin. I don’t have a problem somehow. I practically eat what’s serve on the table, or at least that’s how my mommy has taught me.
• Eating too fervently: more intense than being eager? I don’t know, but at banquets or parties, I don’t fill my plate. And no, I’m not on diet.

Hey why is eating less or not eating at all not a sin? I mean, come on! It practically does damage to the body, right? Oh well, I think I have to be disciplined in eating. I guess my daddy is right - I should only cook enough for us, so there’s no waste. I think my parents’ words about eating has really gotten into me. That’s why I can’t keep an 8-hour job. I have the tendency to overeat to make up with stress. Hmmn…

3. Greed - Is wanting for a new foamie skimboard a form of greed? Perhaps that’s why I just can’t have it after all these years. I have already three boards, right? So okay, this will be my last board somehow. Well, Brad just recently volunteers to get me one as a birthday gift. Does that get me off the hook? Actually, I wish for my birthday that he gives me one. I can afford it somehow (in the future, whenever that is! Lol!), but I want it from him because it’s the one thing we really share together.

Anyway, I’m willing to give my old boards and even buy new boards for other local skimboarders who could not afford one. Blah blah blah, I think I get a good sparkle from a big X with this sin. I’m clean with this. I mean, last year I have promised myself to have material things that are dispensable as much as possible. Everything has to go somehow and I won’t want any sentimental sht over them. I’m not a material girl. I don’t collect things vainly. I’m not a fashion slave. I don’t own expensive things, not yet. Lol! If I ever I’ll do, I make sure I can give it away eventually without any regrets.

4. Sloth - Although its meaning has evolved throughout time, it’s originally known as the sin of sadness or despair. OMG! I now realize I’ve been sinning whenever I say that I’m tired and I want to die. I know I have my reasons, but I should just accept and go on with life. Like, live life happily in spite of unfortunate things. Tsk. Tsk. Now, sloth has become lack of diligence and utilizing one’s talent. OMG again! I mean, I’m overcoming it at the moment. I’m actually doing this whole sloth thing. At the back of my head, I have and need to do something. I need to be what I’ve been designed for life. But then, I’m kind of taking time. I think I’m afraid. I have to overcome that once, people question my creativity.

5. Wrath - Yeah, my designer feeling a.k.a. anger. I’m bad at expressing this one. It’s too expensive. I just don’t know why I hurt people when I’m angry. And get this, I’m not even doing anything. It takes a lot of prayer to prevent awful things from happening. Actually, those things happen before I could even feel anger. I guess, I can say I’m clean with this. It’s really the thought about the person deserving my emotion. Is that person worth being angry of? The twist of my anger is, I only get angry with the people I really love. I don’t get angry easily at some random cashier or waiter that could not do a good customer service.

6. Envy - Now I can have a good laugh! I don’t envy. This is the lowest form of sin. I don’t stoop this low.

7. Pride - I come off with this sin with a constant check and balance. This is the deadliest sin. But regardless, I see to it that I’m grounded. I don’t care I take the back seat. I don’t care if someone will overtake or take my idea. Actually, it’s eating my daddy and it hurts me somehow. I have my “pride” moments, but I always see to it that I will eventually stand down. It’s really not a good thought that I’m looking up to my dad, and telling myself that I should not have a pride like his.

I think, I have four out of seven advantage. I don’t really know what’s the deal of my being. Something wants to keep me pure. It’s a little impossible, but forces are making sure I sin less and always ask for forgiveness for the bad things I’ve done. It’s funny that I have this thought that both good and evil are watching over me. I have to be good. I’m not doing it for the idea of eternal life, and definitely not for the fear of hell.

I have gain back the balance of my soul lately. It’s even more held together with the peace that Brad has given me. I know my purpose in life. However, there is a part of it that is so oblivious. But then, I just leave that to fate. As long as my faith comes before anything, I’ll be okay. Perhaps that’s why I’m feeling so down lately. I haven’t been praying.

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