seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

The problem of being an empath is feeling others’ emotions without even soliciting them. Although I already figure how to shut out, there is still that look. Indeed, the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Sometimes it is just hard to look and talk. I love people when I feel sunny and breezy. Nothing fancy, just all perky truth or honesty. It’s just that my daddy has been lying to us and most of all to himself. If only he could lay off his pride.

So okay, I want to bitch about my dad. It’s not that I could go up to him and bitch for real, right? So here’s me:

Daddy, why can’t you just talk to your brother and sister? It’s just a huge misunderstanding. Here you are feeling miserable about family and everything. Where have all those family wisdom gone? Keep the family together blah blah blah. Have I known this is what I’m going home to, I could have just gone for my own life plans, which you and mom have a problem with. What is it with you and saying sorry? Oh I seem to forget, you’ve missed out on teaching that value. Yes, daddy you never really have taught me real apology. But of course, I learn from your mistakes.

It seems that you prefer to hang out with whosoever than pay your mother everyday visit. For heaven’s sake, she is 80. She needs attention. You should be somehow ashamed. Just so you know, she still prays the novena for you every night. I don’t really know what’s the real deal between you and uncle Jim. I mean, practically you two have been in a competition since kids. What’s with all that?  I don’t understand why you prefer to drink with whosoever than with your own brother.

See, I’m way pass the drama of chasing my dream and family. Just so you know, I have planned all my life when I was 15. I know what I want to do. I make things happen, in case I have to repeat myself. But, you and mom cut me off from my dream. You never even ask me about what I want to be. You have told me instead. And at 29, I still want your approval. Need I slap the whole thing to your face? But then again, I believe that being a good daughter is worth it, right?

You don’t even know how all these hurt me. But then again and again, I always remember my grandma telling me to accept things and be brave. Sometimes I just want to run. Do you think it’s easy wondering every night where you are and my brothers? Of course, I don’t doubt your judgment. But please, just a little respect for what I have given up.

Do you know why I won’t tell you all these to your face? I could kill you with these words. That’s why you want me to become a lawyer. I can show you the ugly truth. Remember the time when I’m just a little girl. I have told you to pack your things and be with whosoever. I’m like 2 or 3 at that time, right? I have noticed, you’re not always home, spending time with whosoever. "What’s the point of coming home if you are always out? Why don’t you pack your things and stay with your friends or whosoever?"

You take me back to that position, at least I’m almost there. Can’t you see it’s affecting me in so many ways? Perhaps that childhood memory defines my trust issues. Daddy, I so love you. That’s why I have to bottle these awful feelings so you could live your life the way you want it. How about me, daddy? I know that’s why you want me just a spoiled brat. You just don’t want to confront with me.

So anyway, while you’re out again. Wow… all weeknights. Daddy, it’s either I will run away again and try to live my life. This time I won’t go back even if mom will plead. Or, I’m going to ruin my life and take pleasure in your misery. Let me see, that’s what I’m doing the whole time growing up. I’m just too smart to mess with your head and not do stupid stuff like drugs, sex, getting pregnant, useless peers, etc. What would you do if I’ll do that all now? And last but not the least, kill myself. I bet it will settle everything.

Well, I’m not sad. I’m not even in denial. I’m not angry. I’m just tired. All I can think right now is Brad telling me to be optimistic. Think well and positive. He’s the only one I know that tells me to be my own person; to chase my dream.  I guess, I won’t be killing myself anytime soon.

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