seacielo

There are always weird things that happen between Brad and I before the moon gets whole, not to mention when the moon is already visibly round. Craving for movies is one. We need not check the calendar. We just know. However, there are also those petty silly fights out of nowhere. I am saying something, Brad has a perception otherwise. Or, me understanding from an odd point of view.

I am still upset. I just wanted to talk to him last night. It’s not like I can hold him and kiss him goodnight, which I always want every night. The least I can settle to is a talk and listening him laugh. That’s all it takes to make my day.

Of course, we will always have our lunar glitch. I am just giving Brad all the credit for being the one with the BIG patience. Well, if he could bring me white flowers now, that will make me smile. Funny that, I have this surprising want of white, black and red things.

I have to admit, it is a learning process for the both of us. I am a meticulous and overly dragging shopper, or at least I just want to savor the moment. I love pretty things. It’s just a matter of which of them I want to possess. I am not materialistic, but I sure do buy things in two’s.

Well, I realize that I have never been comfortable shopping with someone. Although I love to shop for someone and shopping with someone (without me shopping for myself), I am usually the third eye and a bottle of answers for “What do you think?”

Shopping for myself is a little bit complicated. It is like a ritual of contemplation, visualization and something more, which might define me weirder than weird itself.

But yeah, like any girl, I love shopping… ha ha ha at times! Actually, when I am with Brad. Another discovery. I guess, he really brings the woman in me. I just want to be looking nice for my man. It’s something I have to learn too. This is an unfamiliar territory where I get to be vulnerably presentable than my usual self. I am not trying hard, but it comes with the boyfriend…. aaaahh…

A week left and counting. I cannot wait to see him. Somehow the guilt still randomly sinks in, especially when he has told me “… he is your ocean too….” That remark hurts me, because he is my only ocean if not the ocean itself. In fact, he is more than the ocean. He is everywhere. He is everything.

As I walk into the grocery aisles, I can only think of him. When I see cigarette stalls I crushingly think of him. Whenever I pass by, I always look for his brand, which cannot be found here. ( I wonder what would he thinks of Rocky Patel). I haven’t really seen him smoking cigars. But yeah, it is my routine if I see a tobacco vendor in the mall.

It kills me when he is killing in vain jealousy. He has no reason to be so,  but of course, he has every right to be. I give him the credit, all the credit. After all, if I am in his shoes, I will be ten times jealous. Now, I admit that. I guess, growing into each other comes that sense of possession. I am not being vain or possessive, I am just being territorial.

When I usually wake up with a broken… *sigh* I turn on a Billy Holiday and then loop it. Loop and loop and loop it. But this morning, I woke up to Lady Ga Ga looping. I don’t even know the song. It was my sister who played it.

i am proud to say that i haven’t done such thing. who say that being unfaithful to your partner would only mean sexual excuses? indeed, emotional is another way to do it. again, i am proud. i am a new woman now unlike ten years before. well, i was 20 and i was progressive as i deemed myself to be… a progressive woman. but really, whatever that means. thinking about it, i haven’t really cheated on my ex-boyfriends before if cheating would only be limited to physical concept. i did him or them wrong for emotional reasons. i have emotional issues, who could deny that. i believe that those times, guys took advantage of my vulnerability as much as i took advantage of them taking advantage of me in that way or more. sigh… this is a hard one to process.

but now, i can honestly say and smile that i am emotionally secure with brad. i don’t have any reason to share or even whine my life or love or whatever about me to another guy, least not any human being. i found true love… and life.

So I have an all-nighter with Brad. It has been a long time since we have something like it. It’s good somehow except of him drinking more than the usual. But hey, the very good thing is that we get to really talk. It is the one thing I like about him, he can talk. Setting that aside, I think I ate too much the day before. Sugar craving. It is funny how I passed on the blueberry cheesecake bar. Wish we have put moyoberry instead, that will be awesome! Hahahaha couter all the fats from the cream cheese. Oh well… I can gain weight now and I don’t mind. It’s either sugar or oxygen.

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“You are the only good thing that I ever done.
We will walk until my blood runs out
Until my heart is burnt, you are not alone.”

Today I start to listen to music again. I choose Matisyahu.
This song is going out to the one I love. *wink*

I dare say that babies and boredom are a great combination. If my neice Kjersti is not around, I might -again- make a downward spiral to my supposedly former favorite place on Earth.

A friend of mine just called and talked about bamboo houses. Somehow I remember Ms. Divina’s offer that we can build a skim tower and a skim hut (just like Marrion’s) in her backyard. How cool is that, right? It got me excited for awhile. At least I will not fantasize about metal buildings that really are wave houses, which my cousin is challenged to make.

But then again, what for, right? Sooner or later I am going to call somewhere else a home, probably my new domicile. I am still a little bit in denial, but I have to transcend it. Love requires so much sacrifice. This is me doing that. I feel peaceful thinking about it, even if it would mean a 360 alteration of direction. Something tells me that I have swallowed a lot of what I have said years ago. But, I don’t mind. Ten or so years ago, I am in the same position. However, it feels right this time. To give up the world for this one person seemed to be impossible before, but now it feels like a Sunday. It isn’t that I am already 30 or that I need some security. First of all, I have no concept of age, least not time. Second of all, I maybe a screw up in terms of security, but I always find a way to make things okay. Third of all, I am not in denial.

It is not security or time or even reality, which in the latest movie I have watched, reality is defined as something everybody perceives or accepts it to be. It is really unfair in that case. I am not everybody. I am a closet anti-social. All I want is freedom… from what you ask? From my self and reality. I have never been realistic and I will remain as such. I am my own person. It just so happen that I have found someone I can share my person with. He is my freedom. He has liberated me from my darkness. He has cured me. He has saved me.

I am not returning a favor or reciprocating. I just know he is the one. I am going to do what it takes to make him happy, even though he tells me always that the important thing is I am happy. I love to make him happy. He is so gentle and pure and beautiful in every way.

I am going to take on the impossible me for someone. This is it.

Words… we are more than words. I still cannot believe that it has been that long. We have endured and we are amazingly inlove with each other. I am happy. Brad makes me happy. That kind of happiness that is due to me; that happiness that does not worry me.  This is the part where I just smile and squirm…………

Yup. I always find something to complain about. This time it’s sleeping well. Not likely an issue but I want to put it that way. The last time I have problem sleeping was caused by too much adrenaline. I could not keep my body still or at rest even how much every inch of it hurt. Oh well, perhaps I should get a sleeping aid to finish everything… my complain actually. Sleep… I haven’t really had a nice one since I have been home. But, sharing the bed with the sister is also a restful moment too.  Ewwww… yeah I remember now. I have to sleep to the stink of my Aunt’s urine. I don’t know why she is too lazy (and making my little niece as an excuse) to go to the bathroom. Yeah! It’s 2010 for crying out loud.

I do remember now sleeping while covering my nose. It really stinks. I have been complaining about it to my other sister. See, this is another reason why I really should emancipate. I really should at 30! Woe on me!