seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

Today I wake up without another life. What I mean by that is I don’t feel anything. There’s just my old little feeling of self-remorse. Yeah, again. The thing about being an empath is, the feelings of others help in forgetting, if not masking one’s own emotions. Today, I finally feel the disconnection from Brad. I’ve re-checked it over and over again. All I get is a feel of a female presence around him. It’s not because of the story he has told me. I just feel it.

My being an empath always gets in the way of my relationships. The sad part about it is the guy always lie or tell me half truth. Half truths like yeah there’s this girl but I swear we are just talking. Then I go, “yeah like flirting talking .” Then he go, “no just talking talking.” I mean, what wrong about telling the truth? It will hurt me, yes, but it hurts more when I feel the lie. It’s like this little needle pricking my soul.

Well, I’m happy for him because he has something real. I’d be lying if I don’t want something real. I want the real deal this time. I want to stop that crazy fantasy over the idea from a John Donne’s poem (A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning). Here’s my favorite lines-

Dull sublunary lovers’ love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, ’cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix’d foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th’ other do.

I hold on to this poem like a perfect love story. This is what I want. Perhaps, I just want to prove that this kind of love exists. Whatever I mean, read and feel the poem. It’s beyond human understanding. It’s metaphysical. It has already been fulfilled to its deepest meaning. (Thank you Brad). However, I want more. I want a normal love… something near and tangible like everybody else. I mean, I just can’t go splurging away everything on him. He has actually done it. Fortunately, I’m successful in making him realize that we are not real. I’m so good, damn good. But yeah, it hurts.

Whatever. Love sucks!

Hmmnn. It’s nice to wake with the sun shining bright for me. I could recall that I did sleep well last night. I like hearing my heart beats. Still speaking of last night, it has really surprised me that my dad actually tip-toed to his room. I know, I know… I could just stoic everything off. If he wants to fool around, I don’t care anymore. But yeah, part of me is crushed. I will not submit to any bitterness about the whole thing. It just amazes that I never have that “what if” question.

Speaking of dad again, he has never changed. I mean, come on! I’m almost thirty, he is acting like I’m still a teenager. He could’ve been civil to Brad. I’m upset about it, actually. Yeah, I can still clearly remember how he and mom pry on my phone conversations before. Seriously?! It’s so unbelievable. Ugh!

Well speaking of Brad, did he just call me boring? I know it’s partly mockery and partly I-need-to-be-creative somehow comment. I have plans, which I fail to do. I’m still trying.

Anyhoo, the conversation from the other night has stirred up confusion. Actually, Brad become oh-so chick on me. It’s really cute. I just could not believe how I reacted. Normally, a girl would all be spiced up and all squirmy. Hehehehe! I could’ve been like that. But until we are not really really together, I’ll keep my reservation. Perhaps I don’t want to fashion everything according to “us,” not just yet. Yes, there is an US. I’m just really careful.

Oh I don’t know, really. I love him. It’s frustrating if I’ll start saying what I really want. I actually want to throw myself at him. He’s my angel. I just don’t want him to think that I doubt him or his feelings. Because by the way I’ve sounded that night or even on that phone call, it’s not really the right response. Brad and I have already agreed and settled on these things. It seems I take us back somewhere in square one or two.

I like when he’s talking cuddles and huggles (?). I’m being stupid, huh? Yeah… I owe him an explanation. I don’t know. I just wake up today and realize that I’m in love with him. Of course, I am. But then, I realize again.

have a relentless trust issues. Let me see hmmnn, I don’t necessarily trust anyone. But when I do, I always trust the wrong people. Worst yet, I always have it all coming. Today, I reminisce how I luckily survived my depression. I know, i know. It’s not healthy to make sadness as a motivation to life or un-life. Whichever. Well, it has all started with one dream, which eventually has become recurring. What are the chances, huh?

It has not been easy for me to dream of dad having “a good time” with lady. I’m not my mother, I know. I mean, she should be the one dreaming and not me. I’m just the kid, so they say. I really resist the thought and subconscious idea. But the whole thing has just haunted me. I’m not the confronting type. At least not with my daddy. What really has killed my slowly that time is the song. I don’t exactly know who damn sang it. it goes, “How can I tell her about you…” I mean, really? Like seriously really? My father has the nerve to play that every morning. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been panicking and almost at the verge of getting literally crazy.

Growing up, I always listen to my dad’s guitar strumming of that melody. It’s not really a song, but I know it’s the music of how he feels. And oh oh… He even plays Jack Johnson for a period of time. Yeah, first contemporary singer my dad likes. It has always been Sinatra, Atkins and all those good oldies, but he just loves Jack. And then, that nice memory has just been erased with one fcking song.

So I am sort of freaking out tonight. What if suddenly something or some song will cloud my trust on Brad? Perhaps that’s why I’m not asking about him. I’m not sure if I’m afraid to find out, or I just completely trust him. Like, I believe everything he says. What about the endless circumstances that shout out ditto? Weird, huh? But then, Brad and I all settle things. This is actually my late reaction over what has been happening between the two of us despite the distance and the absence. But I wouldn’t start on the who-are-you question. Or at least, not just yet. I think my subconscious mind is gathering thoughts and queries. Check: I still got none to ask. Lol!

So I still couldn’t get over the whole flirting thing. Because yeah, I want to bitch about it. Supposedly, I want to throw a very bitchy attitude on Brad.

Well, let me create a clear picture - Brad, so busy; me, beginning to get a little flirty. I mean, come on… a girl got to do what a girl got to do sometimes.

Seriously? He’s busy? I mean, what’s all with that we will talk at a better time. Seriously? Which time is it? Hmmn let me see, today is out of the mundaneness of our everyday chats. Oh yeah, he’s just missing a whole new level, which I supposedly has taken risk of.

Oh yeah, I have this crazy crazy thoughts all day, actually since last night. The closest I could get of doing away with it is talking to the object of my coital desire. Ugh! I haven’t been able to make a quarter of my supposedly moves. Ha! Maybe it’s not meant to be, not just yet.

So okay, I could not really bitch about him. I always ask myself why? I have this careful instincts around him. He’s warm and fuzzy after all. I don’t know. Yeah, I do fancy him but I guess my carnal thoughts come with a little respect. I think it’s safe not to expound on the idea. Crazy indeed, huh?

Well, anyway, I have opened my gmail and there I’ve found his last line:

Brad: ok, %110, you have me now. right here
instantaneously

I could really be a complete bitch, huh? But then again, this is one of the reason why I want to be with him. Probably flirt with him eventually… for real. Yeah… I could’ve stayed for a second.

Ever heard of clean flirting? Well, I never heard of such, I’ve actually just came up with it. Or, at least I’ve realized that it has all been what I’m doing all these times. Anyway, what is clean flirting? Hmmn I say, it’s just a way of exhausting that little nasty feeling called being horny.

Clean flirting is just talking, really talking. Now, I’m not saying dirty talking. It’s way far off that direction, although it could eventually elevate to such if both parties may allow to do so. Clean flirting vis-a-vis talking is all about just listening and talking. I guess, doing it keenly. I don’t know, it’s just my way. Or perhaps, I am a natural flirt, like flirting without even a single effort. Is that why most say that I’m sexy? Because seriously, I don’t like to go near the word sexy. It’s flattering for most girls, but for me it undertones frustrated sexual desires. Of course, that’s the whole point that’s always been missed.

I actually only intentionally flirt with my boyfriend. And guess what, I’m kind of rejected today. I have it all hyped up and then some. I don’t know, every inch of my body is charging off. Must be the hormones? I don’t really know. I’m suppose to pull a clean flirting a.k.a. being corny or whatever. Yeah, I believe that being corny sometime leads to being horny. Okay, I sound confusing now. Good thing, I’m someone else’s girlfriend, who by the way is still on unchartered territories when it comes to sex (with me).

It’s all good. I’m somehow glad that nothing further happens. It’s really hard when I start pulling off those little some some. It’s one of the things I really like about Brad. He’s not really into turning on or whatever. It makes me love him more. I’m not being a Maria Clara or someone, but I’ll keep my reservation. I don’t know.

Seriously, I’m not yet ready but I have my thoughts. Or, I’m ready but I don’t want to start, not just yet. It’s really complicated. I guess, I want to make love with a free soul. I just don’t want to have sex and keep praying the Our Father while I’m it.

I’ve actually given Brad an attitude. Hmmn, well I’ve almost got bitchy and screaming, “Don’t you see, I’m horny…!” Yeah, I really definitely get bitchy when I’m itchy. Okay that doesn’t come out right. Bitchy as in attitude bitchy not whore-in-bed bitchy. Well, I could also do that eventually. Hehehe! But I hold my cool. It’s not worth it, especially I don’t want him started on yeah… *sigh* Good thing, I’m going back to running tomorrow. That will definitely do the trick. Oh well….

I just woke up with the thought of that green Vic foamie. I then realized that I dreamt of the waves last night, skimboarding and such. The board and I had a real good time together. It’s hard to let go. It made me sad eventually because the thought of choice just came up. I prayed before that I’d give up on having a significant other in exchange for swells. I didn’t really know what the hell I was up to then.

I felt really stupid thinking about the extent that I had wasted on Kieran. I should’ve thought about getting the board first. He didn’t even care. I was devastated, even until now.

Well, I would just have to pine, sulk or whatever. At least I saw and held my dream skimboard.

Regrets. Regrets.

I should be really in a bickering mood today. I think I just got laid off, but I’m still in my so sunny disposition. I still feel zen about it. Well, except for one detail of today. I have all the right to bitch about it in any way I want in my very own blog. So fcking what?! Like Anne would always put it, I’m a bitch in the making. Little did she know, I am already a bitch. Of course, I have reservation most of the time. I mean come on, if the person is not worth it, why bother?

Perhaps, I’m too lucky that my thing man knows how to detour my attitude to something else. It amazes me how he even figure the only way. My father doesn’t know it.

Good enough for me if I get the gist of the whole idea in relation with what I have written. Come on now! Don’t question my passion.

*eeurrhm* Not so worth it. I just realize.

Well, how about I talk about Brad more. Yeah, we talk the day off. He’s been up like 24 hours. Shame on me I let him wait. I have always love Sunday nights with him. Couldn’t fight with the brothers, though. Okay, I change my mind.

Whenever I want to find the right words about him, I just stood still and squirm(?) with that sunny smile. I don’t know if I want to share that glorious feeling with the rest of the world. I mean, maybe not just yet. I want to be selfish of him. I don’t care. I deserve to be selfish sometimes.

It’s funny how things turn out eventually. For the first time I am not seeking for verbal affirmation or even a wordy assurance. Perhaps, there is no need to deliver. I surprise myself big time. But then of course, there’ s always this very little little tiniest silly wish that it wouldn’t hurt if he say it.  Right in the middle of Oreo cookies and Quake cakes, he has said it. Hmmnn… those pretty little little words, which maybe unnecessary between us.  However, we all want to hear it sometimes. Right? I admit I do when I go little all mush up. The next thing I know, well I’ve spent a little overboard on grocery. The things that love can do, huh?

There’s just this connection. He knows what I want without even telling and vice versa. There’s so much to say, but this is getting mushy.

Still stuck.  It’s hard to be loved back. Perhaps that’s what happen to me. I love tormenting myself of not being loved but then loving absolutely. There’s something wrong with me. Well, in the normal concept of reciprocation and mutual standards of a relationship, I am a loser. Unconditional love is not possible between two people. There’s always these conditions. Love me and I will love you back. One makes sure that he or she is loved before he or she will love. That’s not me. It pains me most of the time because of the things I have done. I believe in true love in every sense of its meaning. I don’t hold any conditions. But please, please give me just a little sometimes. Thank me. Put even a grin on my face once in awhile. Ask me about my day. I don’t ask much of all these things, actually. I just wish them all somehow.

Should I call Kieran and tell him that I am happy? I don’t know if he really takes pleasure i hurting me. Wow, tears. Hello tears. I should change my number instead of calling him again. Wasting my skimboard savings. I could’ve bought like 5 foamies by now. I could’ve travel to 10 places I want to be. Yeah, maybe the feeling now is to hurt him back. I have cried for him for what 10 years? He has broken my heart and my soul. Well, I have to be brave. Write him a letter. He knows when I write a letter I am drop dead serious.

Well, if it won’t work out with Brad, at least I became happy for once. I have walked tall again. I am proud I have been happy. I can say that I am happy. I never been happy. I have been so afraid to be happy, but I am not right now. I have my passion back. I am happy. I’m so happy I think my eyes change its color when I smile in my sleep. Hihihihihihi. I’m so happy and then suddenly I am not. Who cares anymore?! I have been through worst. I want to cherish my smiles. I don’t care if they fade soon. Who cares?!

I don’t have a point in telling Kieran. I have sold every drama I have to him. I have humiliated myself in every way a girl could be. All he could say is, “Hows sad?” How apathetic could he further be? At least he could be sorry. Never been sorry, not even when he cheated on me. I don’t feel him anymore.

It’s pointless. My bestfriend don’t like him. My parents know he has made a fool out of me. My mother has told me, “You’re a smart girl, but you’re so pathetic and dumb with love.” My own mother.  *tsk*tsk* Blame me for being a hopeless romantic.

I’m just a girl wit small wishes, not a girl with big ambitions. I dwell in little silly details. I want to be loved now, not in the future. I don’t believe in the sequel of life. This is it.

I have done everything, I have always been on the verge of asking Kieran - Please love me. What does that make me?

Oh well, I’m over that. But hey, self- remorse hangs around sometimes. And oh, sadness… my resident evil. I’m just going to be okay. With the habagat season; the thought of having my baby, awwww; and then, there’s Brad. How would he even react to this? I don’t know. I’ll pack tomorrow. Whatever.

I’m still stuck. I can’t move. I can’t even pack. My room is like Frank’s aftermath minus the dead people. I’m writing, I should be packing. I have a crazy day. But, I’m so happy because I just found my baby. It’s green and perfect for me. Brad has called me, which I find it very sweet. He really cares.

While I’m still contemplating on packing, Kieran - out of nowhere - has sent me an SMS. Like, how long it’s been? Two months? I never ask anybody in my life to love me, I have only asked him. I want to cry right now. He always makes me cry. Maybe it’s the pain that keeps me. I’m almost having a nervous breakdown right now.  He always makes me hurt myself. He only loves me because I know how to love more than love itself.  I can’t breathe. I’m over him. I’m happy right now. People see that I am smiling. I can feel myself living and looking forward to tomorrow. He has never even cared to make me happy. I have begged him to write me a letter, how stupid of me. Letters make my happy. Words makes my spirit flutter. *sigh*

Yes, I will tell him about Brad, or just change my number. He always believes that I will always go back to him. It’s funny I never want to go back this time. I’ve never accepted Brad because I’m sad and I need someone. Yes, I am sad, miserable and really lost. But it’s okay if I’m like this, as long as I’m not hurting anybody. It doesn’t matter if I’m hurt. Nope, he is not the rebound guy. Because, I have made my rebounds two years or make it three in a row. It has created my own kingdom of deep depression and suicidal fantasies. I stoop down to the lowest level of my standards. I even lose my virginity to some random stoned guy, who has insisted that I’m not a virgin anymore. Yeah, I haven’t got over that thought. I’ve been saving myself, then all of a sudden I just decided to lose it to some loser. All because of Kieran. He even blamed me for it. Sure, I should’ve slept with him. Perhaps I have already died or killed myself if I lost it to him. Well, I did try to kill myself when I foun out he slept with someone.

I know I’m having an episode tonight. I’m so pathetic. There could no longer be us anymore. I know that heaven has finally noticed that I need to be loved too. *cry* Oh no… here I go.

I’m really happy Brad came along. Call me selfish, I don’t care. It’s about time. I have been so selfless to the extent that I’m hurting to the grounds. It’s different with him. I always have what I want even without asking. He knows when to be there. He knows. It’s all I want. Need. He brings me back the passion that Kieran killed. Yes, Kieran killed my passion. He made me throw away the best part of me. And time and time again I dream of Yuri over Kie. I have no Yuri dream on Brad. Not one. Pretty amazing.

I’m not being unfair with Brad, because I’m always ready to love him. It’s just that he has issues, which I don’t mind at all. I love him, actually. I feel that he deserves it.  We should’ve met a long time ago. Lol! I know he will not hurt me, because he knows even when I’m about to frown. He makes sure that I smile instead. I don’t have to ask him to love me because he already does, even if he doesn’t say it. He did actually, to Toph. I don’t care. I am happy. I feel like a princess. He has written me hokkus. Little words that have made me so happy. I never feel this way before - real happiness and truth. He is the Sunny Sunday Afternoon I’ve always wanted. He feels warm and fuzzy. I don’t know. I feel like a living person with him. I’m still in denial because it’s too good to be true. But, I will not go anywhere like I have always told him.

For the first time, there’s no question or guilt. No “What would Kieran think?”

I am free.