seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

In the event of my existence. I just couldn’t fathom why I seem to be taken away from the crowd. I realize that today. Not that I don’t want to be in the circle, but some forces keep me from everything and everybody else. Ironically, I know most everybody else. Not only that, I am kept from associating from people who could throw me into the dark deep pit. Unless of course, I force myself. But then again, I don’t like rationalizing things. It fascinates me, yeah? However, there are things that should be left just as they are. Actually, I already stop understanding my life and start living it instead.

For what it’s worth, my association with people requires intensity. I have never known someone without passion or conviction. I have some close significant others minus such qualities (like Cha² who is a self-confessed material girl. Perhaps she would love it if I give her one of those Festina watches), but it’s okay. Mediocrity keeps me in reality. I admit, I feel judgmental at times. Yet, I always remind myself that whatever that person do is not of my business. I don’t care that much.

Yeah, I don’t really care now. I mean, I have 10-year immunity. Hmmnn what am I suppose to do with all that time? Ten years of selfishness. Well, I think fate finally gives me a vacation. I have been so selfless all these times, even to the extent of agony.

So anyhoo, I realize I have to go back to my original weight. It takes a lot of power. Geezh, I need to shred eleven pounds or four kilos. Ha! I can do this in a month. No wonder I run slow. No wonder I feel heavy.  It’s funny. I’m losing weight not to look good or whatever. I am losing weight so I can run faster. The goal is 105lbs. Lol! Hehehehe actually, I am considered someone with a healthy weight. I just need to run as fast as I can. The good news is I can do it fast, as long as I keep eating sugar at a minimal.

Yeah, sort of! I am a fan of Madonna. One of the girly pop stars I adore throughout time. I also love Britney Spears, The Spice Girls and well, The Carpenters. Tee hee! Madonna has just kicked off her World Tour in Great Britain. I never realize she has been married that long to Guy Richie to start the show there. Eight years is no joke, baby. Although the relationship is reported as rocky lately, come on who cares! It doesn’t affect the sale of tickets.

She is a true celebrity, and justifying every era. I love her transition. No wonder she is still out there even until now. She knows how to evolve. I also admire her for having faith in Britney Spears. As I recall, she has kissed her in that MTV performance. Britney actually has a cameo in the video shown on Madonna’s opening act. Come to think of it, Britney just got back from the bottom. It’s sweet, right?

I must admit Madonna is getting really old even if she can afford all those surgeries. But, look at her body, yeah? I find it really amazing.

I never listen to her album yet, except that song with Justin Timberlake. My sister even comments about how she dances slowly lately. I mean, if fifty could do that to the body. Then again, how many fifty-year-old can pull a leotard in front of the world? How many women in there 50’s who have arm muscles like a man? Hehehe! Okay that doesn’t sound right.

Oh well, lucky to those who are in Europe. I think they get Madonna’s priority in her concerts. It’s better to get tickets from the Internet. It’s really convenient, actually. Everybody can get event access through the help of ticketing hubs. These sites offer more than concerts. They include sports or games, just like ICC World Twenty20 Tickets and RBS Six Nation Tickets .

Well, in other news. I almost get into a forum fight. But then, I’m way over that. It’s not that I’m still 19 and could be tactless and all. I mean, seriously? Or perhaps, I don’t have that approximated concept of being within line or way out of line. Oh well, some people will really do anything for attention or their ego.

Hmmnn it reminds me, what do I do for my ego? I don’t fcking care! That’s what I do. The more I don’t care, the more I feed my ego. It’s my version of pride. Hehehehe! I’m not sure. I don’t really have the idea of pride. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking my time too often too much. I always ask, what the fck I’m doing this and that for? It’s not me to keep up with human trend of psychological bullsht. Perhaps that’s what keep me from getting somewhere else. Or perhaps, I’m just way rationalizing about my current state of idleness. Hey, at the end of the day, what matters for me is goodness. I think I’m just having a real difficult time incorporating that with actual human existence.

Haaay… I miss my hair. I never miss my hair like how I miss it lately.  That’s a lot of hair loss, coming to think of it. I mean, I’m not even near being furious or whatever bigger than being simply angry. What have I been thinking? I don’t really feel good right now. Like, I should be feeling light over my head. It turns out that my head is heavier.

I really want to grow my hair back. I need to grow my hair as soon as possible. I feel really naked. I don’t really miss my hair because it’s my crowning glory. I just want it back because it makes me feel warm. Hehehehe. Yeah. Warm.  Should I get a hair loss treatment? Ha! I sound so desperate. Well, maybe because my hair stands for something. It’s my symbol of being crazy over the beach or whatever. Seriously, I am thisclose in getting a hair loss product.

I’m really desperate for my hair back. I shouldn’t have done that. I could’ve stick to the pig or pony tail. *pft*

Finally, I just emailed Samuel that I could not take the job. The outbreak nearby was the perfect alibi. Well, sort of, because travel would be a little risky. I didn’t regret it, although it would definitely open so many windows for me. But then again and before anything else, I would have to kiss someone else’s ass. It’s amazing that I learned to say NO.

Anyway, the whole process was okay. It made me think about catching up with myself. I could always do small gigs online. Did I mention that I could write any essay and get paid for it? Yeah, I really thanked students who are lazy and not motivate to write. They would just buy essay from the Internet. Cool, huh? It’s really been big. Getting someone to write a course essay to save time and effort. *pft*

These online sites has been offering anybody essays custom-made for any topic. For instance, the GCSE Business Coursework, which could include a wide-range of subjects. Anyway, I could write for someone else, as long as the pay would compensate enough. Besides, I did write for almost everybody else back in school. Even after I finished school, I was still sought to write for my brothers, sisters, cousins and friends. They said I’m strong in essay.  However, it’s been awhile since I’d written something.

Right now, I’m still so much thinking about taking the big plunge. I’m so torn inside, let alone Brad has a bad feeling about it. Yes, I have that little pinch of doubt that Brad has confirmed. But still, I am sort of considering. I mean, it is a career suicide. I’ll be kissing this guy’s arse. I never have done any editorial gigs at a devastating compensation. I’m reduced in getting something below the minimum wage if I will take this job. Seriously?! I’m that naive, huh?

He is an American author in Camiguin. He has told me that he needs a little island-y inspiration to work with his “writer’s budget.” I know most writers are poor unless they get published and then sold millions of copies.  Oh yeah, I won’t start with my theories of him being here in the country.

So anyway, if I decide to go for this job, I need to have a clearance. Ha! Police clearance. Seriously?! I fnd it weird. I mean, only paranoid people do that.  People who won’t shell a dime on background check and have no sense of good judgment. Hehehe! My previous company has asked for an NBI clearance. But police clearance? I bet he doesn’t know that being cleared from the NBI is as good as being cleared from criminal offenses.  I know there is a point of criminal background check. But then, I feel I’m a little demeaned here. With all the criminal check and the pay, it’s not worth it somehow.

Geezh, I know I’m bitching. Well, does apprenticeship spells this kind of sacrifice? Perhaps it’s about a little pride or what. I mean, I know he will be taking advantage of my skills. He has said it all along, I have better grammar than him. Seriously, he is writing about his bad back. Is it worth it? I mean, to learn from someone who writes about a bad back? I don’t have a bad back. My boyfriend has no bad back. My dad whose like 60 something has no bad back. My grandmother is 80 and is not complaining from a bad back. Ha!

Honestly, what attracts me about this job is the opportunity to travel for free, and I mean around the world. I could also meet people that would toss me up in the competitive ladder. Well, at least he has told me that. At least, some part of me wants to believe that. OMG! I’m really naive! I don’t really know. I need Brad right now.

Somehow, it’s like I’m also filling in for the lack of his girlfriend. I mean come on, he has told me that he is wasting his girlfriend’s time. Like what… keeping up with him? Talking comprehensive English.  I could imagine how they communicate. Hehehehe! Now, I’m really bitching. And then, if I want to have a sort of raise from my supposedly pay, I could clean the house; do the laundry; and, cook. Oh boy! Hahahah! I do domestication only for the ones I love. Cooking?! I only cook with love. How am I suppose to do that?!

Geezh, if I take this job, I will ask an allowance from my daddy. He will not say no to personal development. My daddy can even give me more than he has offered me.

I’ve been used a lot of times. I don’t mind if it’s for the greater good. But, I don’t want anybody capitalizing on my talent anymore. Of course, except if they pay me enough compensation. I’m not a fresh graduate anymore. I have experience. Most of all, I work with passion.

While I’m still contemplating on the whole apprenticeship whatsoever job. I’m beginning to notice our room. My sister is slowly decluttering, which is very necessary because my aunt will be coming any day. For what it’s worth, I’m thankful that the MILF uproar. Pretty bad but it delays my aunt’s trip. Her arrival is actually timely if ever I will consider that whatsoever almost free job.

Originally, I’ve been meaning to put some rugs on that side of the room. I love those Persian rugs, although I could settle for anything less than those. Having those accents in the room will be a big difference. I’m on to creating that spatial illusion. I believe that area rugs are known for that. I just hope that I could score some cheap rugs somewhere.

I’m also planning to buy a couch and transfer the TV right over there. Put a table for my little writing space. The room is used to be my own. No sharing with the sisters. However, with all those supernatural going on the second floor, I have to sleep with them. But, I like it anyway. This is one of the reasons why I’ve come home.

Oh well, just another wishful thinking. It will be my aunt’s space any time soon. I guess, the room will be smaller when it’s suppose to be the biggest room in the house. Tsk, tsk… crowded even.

I’ve just gone through the site of Johnson and Johnson. Somehow I’ve wished that I could get a job there. Like, I could certainly work and pursue my passion at the same time. It’s like the company is a community itself that encourage the employees to explore their horizon and reach their goals. J and J offers a significant growth for everybody. It does not only deliver consumer products to the public, but it also enlighten people about being passionate and compassionate. Ha! My kind of company. For the nth time now, I need something like J and J. Definitely less stress.

I just don’t know why at the end of the sixth month, work becomes stressful. Although I never regret working with my previous companies, I need some constant inspiration. I’m not here to work for the money. I’m here to work because I want to make a change. Lol! Whatever that means. But, finding out about J and J even makes me insecure. I need a company that fuels my passion and not just pay me to do the job.

Oh well, I wish I could find something like J and J any time sooner. Domestication is slowly taking its toll on me.

The car is still nursing a deep scar. Lol! I make that sound like it’s a baby or something. Well, it has to be someone’s baby. Not mine, of course. Daddy is like bitching about it blah blah blah. I mean, seriously? He just forget about car insurance. Whatever. I just urge him to get some auto insurance quotes . He’s so smart, sometimes he just forgets. Ha! I guess, I get that kind of quality from him. Heehhehe! Yeah, I know. I can’t stop talking about my father. I have issues, what can I say. I either need to see a shrink or talk to my daddy. Tough one. I say, I’ll just run away.

The problem of being an empath is feeling others’ emotions without even soliciting them. Although I already figure how to shut out, there is still that look. Indeed, the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Sometimes it is just hard to look and talk. I love people when I feel sunny and breezy. Nothing fancy, just all perky truth or honesty. It’s just that my daddy has been lying to us and most of all to himself. If only he could lay off his pride.

So okay, I want to bitch about my dad. It’s not that I could go up to him and bitch for real, right? So here’s me:

Daddy, why can’t you just talk to your brother and sister? It’s just a huge misunderstanding. Here you are feeling miserable about family and everything. Where have all those family wisdom gone? Keep the family together blah blah blah. Have I known this is what I’m going home to, I could have just gone for my own life plans, which you and mom have a problem with. What is it with you and saying sorry? Oh I seem to forget, you’ve missed out on teaching that value. Yes, daddy you never really have taught me real apology. But of course, I learn from your mistakes.

It seems that you prefer to hang out with whosoever than pay your mother everyday visit. For heaven’s sake, she is 80. She needs attention. You should be somehow ashamed. Just so you know, she still prays the novena for you every night. I don’t really know what’s the real deal between you and uncle Jim. I mean, practically you two have been in a competition since kids. What’s with all that?  I don’t understand why you prefer to drink with whosoever than with your own brother.

See, I’m way pass the drama of chasing my dream and family. Just so you know, I have planned all my life when I was 15. I know what I want to do. I make things happen, in case I have to repeat myself. But, you and mom cut me off from my dream. You never even ask me about what I want to be. You have told me instead. And at 29, I still want your approval. Need I slap the whole thing to your face? But then again, I believe that being a good daughter is worth it, right?

You don’t even know how all these hurt me. But then again and again, I always remember my grandma telling me to accept things and be brave. Sometimes I just want to run. Do you think it’s easy wondering every night where you are and my brothers? Of course, I don’t doubt your judgment. But please, just a little respect for what I have given up.

Do you know why I won’t tell you all these to your face? I could kill you with these words. That’s why you want me to become a lawyer. I can show you the ugly truth. Remember the time when I’m just a little girl. I have told you to pack your things and be with whosoever. I’m like 2 or 3 at that time, right? I have noticed, you’re not always home, spending time with whosoever. "What’s the point of coming home if you are always out? Why don’t you pack your things and stay with your friends or whosoever?"

You take me back to that position, at least I’m almost there. Can’t you see it’s affecting me in so many ways? Perhaps that childhood memory defines my trust issues. Daddy, I so love you. That’s why I have to bottle these awful feelings so you could live your life the way you want it. How about me, daddy? I know that’s why you want me just a spoiled brat. You just don’t want to confront with me.

So anyway, while you’re out again. Wow… all weeknights. Daddy, it’s either I will run away again and try to live my life. This time I won’t go back even if mom will plead. Or, I’m going to ruin my life and take pleasure in your misery. Let me see, that’s what I’m doing the whole time growing up. I’m just too smart to mess with your head and not do stupid stuff like drugs, sex, getting pregnant, useless peers, etc. What would you do if I’ll do that all now? And last but not the least, kill myself. I bet it will settle everything.

Well, I’m not sad. I’m not even in denial. I’m not angry. I’m just tired. All I can think right now is Brad telling me to be optimistic. Think well and positive. He’s the only one I know that tells me to be my own person; to chase my dream.  I guess, I won’t be killing myself anytime soon.

I’m on generosity sabbatical. Whatever I mean by that. Anyhoo, I’m so excited today since the aphrodisiac post from my other blog has sky-rocketed to 3,304 hits in a day. I compliment Toph for the effort. He really has written it so well. I can’t wait to tell him, except that he is still asleep or changing Halleigh’s diaper right now.

So anyway, I sort of decide to pimp this blog into something more sunny and gay. Hehehehehe! Or, sexy perhaps. I can pull in more bucks, although I call it my virtual money. I just do it for the fun of it. Oh hey, every work I have is something for the fun of it. Funny, huh? I just hope I get more and more offers. I really need to haul my luggage to somewhere else. It’s way better if I don’t look back. Besides, I’m on sabbatical.