seacielo

I think I am in denial almost accepting. In both cases it’s not good. It means apathy. I believe indifference is my most powerful defense. I just don’t want to confront  it any more and even choose to move on. I don’t want to waste my mind on it. I might as well add insult to the injury, which I am very good at.

I try to make sense of everything. I know I am just being careful not to revisit a ten-year melancholia and self-loathe. Perhaps this time it is worth fighting for. Pain is a little price to pay for happiness. It’s like happiness is taxing me with hurt once in awhile. I have to pay my dues. Happiness is not really free. One has to pay for it either way. I am not talking about monetary value of smiles. There are various media of exchanges. Like… bartering happiness with a little unfaithfulness of a husband to his wife. Like… breaking a bone or two in one’s favorite sports. Like… everything else.

Tonight. I feel nothing at all. I feel cold. I feel empty. I feel… yes… nothing.

Like everybody else, I pay for what I need from this lifetime. I believe in the idea of freedom, but definitely this life is not for free. There’s no such thing as redeeming happy coupons.

I cannot even say it’s going to be okay. This is my last straw in life, love and what nots. I never believe in luck, because I am a faithful person. But tonight, I wish my self luck, ironically.

:/

I guess it does. Ted is right I should have an anger management thing. I am about to go silent. I don’t mean to… it’s just that my system holds back to whatever possible damage I can cause than shutting up. It’s like my throat is tied down.

I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry of the thought of always being robbed of. Why can’t I just have one thing I can keep for myself? Just one… just one. I should deserve it because I have been skinning my ass giving away everything and everything I can ever have.

The good side of being angry is running… skimboarding. I share everything, but I am ironically intimate. At the end of the day, I just need to share it with one person or no one at all.

Perhaps I am angry because what I have done in the past is reliving itself. Whenever I was bored, I talked to people… least not guys. And then, the next thing I knew, I got carried away… cheating on my boyfriend with like three guys at the same time. Oh it’s not about physically or sexually cheating, it’s about mentally and emotionally cheating… connecting with someone else.

It may not be a big deal for others. But yeah, it is for me. I can feel people. And yeah, I never meant to cheat back then. It just happened. It just happened that there was a connection. Little or not, there was a connection. I am proud of myself to handle things these day with such loyalty and love. It’s like not allowing anybody to connect except… It is hard but I learn to do so.

Boredom makes me do things. I don’t do that anymore. I’ll die if I will do that again. It wasn’t me to cheat before but my boyfriend was not there for me. I think I blame myself for not being here today and being with him.

Double regret on that… I just spent a lot on shopping for the baby. If I should have stayed, I should have not have a double trouble. But then, I am going home tomorrow. It’s easier to be hurt at home; easier to be sad; easier to be upset… because there is a space to run. My anger will get me that 20km everyday. My sadness will maintain my pace. My pain will keep my breath longer.

Lesson learned: Know your enemy – RATM

1. Study for Friday… last exam. SALES
2. Think of going back to Iba or just have dinner at LS
3. Shop and pack for home
4. Ask Ted if he has settled everything
5. Ask Augie if he already got the pictures
6. Do the laundry before going home
7. Print tickets
8. Party with Lex friends… Irene (?)
9. Contact contact contact people
10. *yawn*

Long long ago when only geeks were online (I was one of the geeks). The internet was like a kingdom. Only the chosen ones could access it, or I would like to think of it that way.

I was not in the college of information technology, but I already knew the internet back then. The IT students were like discriminating of me, finding some outsiders. But, I proved myself and earned my space in the open but exclusively defined XU Net.

So I learned so many things. I could not get enough of finding out about RATM. Google or googling was not validly included in the dictionary. I was using Netscape back then. I searched about Incubus too. Oh… and a lot of researching about Phreaking, the right term of the supposedly terrorizing word Hacking.

I didn’t  really hardcore hacked anything. But, I did hack out of thinking and possibilities. I hacked my hacker ex-boyfriend. Hahahahaha! One of the greatest moments of my life.

I think I already mentioned this part of my life.

My point is… I want a virtual death sooner. But, life now seems to be nothing without the internet. *chuckles*

I decided to segregate my thoughts. This is my loving home in cyberspace, but that doesn’t mean I cannot get another house, right?

To date, I have eight blogs. I just made three recently, which are offshoots from this site – seacielook (just random tumblring), seacielost (my weird hobby of getting lost and gone goings) and seacielove (obviously!)

Anyway, I want to tolerate again my dark self and make a evil blog. Lol! Yet, even I, my self, am afraid of what things may become. I think I am going to blame my mother for summoning all the entities and energies, then praying hardest to have me. I have chosen goodness. If I am going to write literally evil literature, I might as well stamped my forehead with 666. Perhaps soon I will write the story I always wanted to tell. But then again, for now, I can settle for blogging and a little complaining then bitching.

Hi. I am Cielo. I am ironically anti-social for the reason of sensitivity. I am a bitch. I am a brat. Do you have a problem with that?

If you don’t get me, get lost.

Hurting is one of the things I do best. Perhaps it’s about time to do so again. Where do I draw the line of denial and faith? Until when and where I can endure the pain? Ten years, again? Where do I run to now? I want to skin myself alive. I want to scream my pain out loud. Perhaps find another sport that will take me closer to death. Did I just say death?

You know, in every job application I have been through, there’s always this ultimate question, “Can you tell me about yourself?” Oh I love the question. It’s like, I can throw another question, “Can you handle me?”

I most cases, even aside from an interview. I always adjust myself to what the person across can handle of me. Because, if I am to tell everything about me, it would be very prejudicial to myself. There’s only a handful of people who can take me as I am. It’s the reason why I am not that friendly. I am having a hard time configuring myself just for that person. It’s not hypocrisy, it’s just that I have a million me. Sounds like I have a multiple personality disease. Ha! I believe all of us have. The only difference with those MPD sick is that, they cannot handle themselves.

So going back to the question, especially when that query takes form of, “Can you describe yourself in one word?” I cannot, really. I usually say, “I am me.”

But one day, my former boss defined me as “versatile.” From then on, it got me thinking.  Yeah, I am and I owe my dad for it. Everything about me is always about my parents. One of the two things I am proud of in this life. The other well… Brad.

Th reason why I’m bringing this up, is because, for the next weeks after school. I will program myself to raise a company. Not mine, but my dad’s. I am excited. Something to do with his field, not really something like a  rack card printing. Finally, the business that I am supporting him of. I never have a chance of getting a degree in business and marketing or even advertising, but I will do okay. After all, I am a Paloma.

I got to have that dress. I hope I can still fit in extra small size. I will get that dress. It kind of look like this but not really… but it’s still yellow. Why am I wearing dress lately again?

My eyes are still tired. My mind is still tired. I did enjoy the all-nighter just to catch up with the local bands. Don’t get me wrong, but it has been a blast except of the cold and the eating. That part of the city has some trees, many trees, in fact. Nice cold and I can even smell the trees. However, being awake until 4am is not really good. It makes me lazy then after. It’s time for me to find the best eye cream soon. Do I really need one?