seacielo

I stand corrected. Not vacation, but holiday. Either way, it is my life. People might call me a bum, but I feel that I have that license to bum life. I am a bum if its meaning is constricted to work. I do not work. I make things happen. I give love. I give faith. I give hope. That is my job in this life. My boss is life and oh, God, which is why it is very impossible for me to have a human boss. My tolerance level is only limited to 7months to a year. In short, I only look up to the highest boss. So tell me, am I a bum?

My life’s job requires a lot of traveling and socializing. As much as I am a self-confessed anti-social, my job description needs me to be up and perky and rubbing elbows with the world. I need to do that and I am not complaining.

So I have to be in different places until I ran out of energy. Funny job I have, huh? Most of these places are near the beaches, if not the beach itself. Anyway, since my life is a holiday… when I take a time off it will be something like a Branson vacation. No beach, no no no no ocean at all. I have a weird feeling that the ocean is my job area.

I know, I know. I have a distinctive way of describing or justifying existence. But hey, we all play a role in life. This is mine. I give people their glory… self-fulfillment, etc. This is me owning up the job and stopping being in denial.

I should not be blabbing here. I should be telling Brad all these. After all, he is myself. But, he is in a very dark place right now. A safe place we both have. I want to drag him out right now, but as much as I want to, I want to give him a little space. I want that too sometimes just for me to figure things out. We both are not perfect. Somehow we tend to go to and fro the very spot we are familiar. I respect that.

So yeah, I have issues too with my self. Like I have said, it is not like I can do the usual with Brad. I realize that my hair is directly proportional with truth. I also discover that I feel awful about things and people, just because I let my parents control me at this age. Hold on… yes still, the parental issues are getting on my way.

I have a lot in line and still complaining about my parents. But, I give myself a credit discreetly taking action. Should I continue this?

I know it is still a bratty thing to say that I always get what I want. It is just a matter of time. Most of the time, without any effort or less for an effort. I am thankful that I am not one of those people who are desperate to have this and that, or be this or that, or be known as this or that.

My secret to getting what I want… hmmnn. Ha! I guess, I am not telling.

Then again, it is another that I got lately. I am really glad. It makes me want life despite of all the challenges. Perhaps He wants me to go on and seize my purpose. Well, I am not sure if I am living it already or the inevitable is yet to come. Either way, I know He will hold The End for me.

Got this site from Chemae. ‘thought I could try it. Hehehehe! Really?

Two or a day before my birthday, my body is telling me. I am sick. It is just a common cold but I feel disintegration. I am just hoping that it is just a jump start. My head is pounding. I don’t get headaches but I have them now. Yesterday, my brother and I watched The Vampire Diaries. It reminds me of my grandpa’s stories, which accounts are sort of supported by dad’s. In spite the cliche about vampires these days, I have been into it since I could recognize pictures. I wonder, if it’s true that I descend from such a bloodline, some parts of me wants to find out.  Or maybe… I could just write a book about it. If all goes well; if I can finally put my life’s picture together. I will find out and write about it. But right now, I feel that I am not stable to do so. I need more than my usual spiritual strength.

I feel Brad all the time. I feel him in every way possible. That goes to say that he also feels me. He feels me in every way possible too. I know somehow that, even when he has told me he is over it, there is always that remnant that makes him go nutty.  I realize that so. I don’t want to act all innocent, because it is a bad idea in the first place. I pull the defense of  it-is-just-like-spending-time-with-Chris. It is different, though. I can’t explain. I just feel it is way different. But somehow, I’ve come out of it all squeaky clean. I’ve fought it all.

Truth is, the gunner is a prospect for a friend. It is not everyday I consider someone to be in that position. However, for cosmic reasons, Brad had that coming. See, he feels me. Well, I don’t want to elaborate further. I don’t want Brad to feel bad more that I already did. I rather lose everyone, but not Brad.

Lesson learned: No to new guy friends.

Without a doubt I am a girl. In times of feeling down, I not only resort to food and further lethargic actions, but I turn to shopping. Nope, not the mall with the use of  ls4278 and its annoying noise, but eBay. My little virtual pay always goes there lately. It is not a craving, but I just want to be busy and surround myself with colors. I like to see more colors before I will be drowned of so much gray. And what do I need these days? A good pair of bikinis. Although I cannot really afford something with a real price, but at least eBay has its bargain. I wish someday I can really shop in real online store like Roxy’s or O’neill’s, have you seen their new stuff? I might not be having goo goo eyes with the latest fashion, but good bikinis make me go woohoo! But then, I can only put them on my wishlist. It’s not like it is my priority right now. I can settle for cheap digs, after all I will just use them for skim (perhaps surf). Well, I just want to have little smiles for a moment. :/

Now with so much time to spare, I cannot seem to waste it. For the first time in my life I own my time. I can say I have been idling despite school. I am saying that I have wasted my time because I let others take control. I always have an excuse that I am just doing the right thing. What is the right thing anyway? Hmmnn… such a monumental question.

In other news, I haven’t gotten the iPod yet. Lol! I think it has already been a year. But really, I or we have priorities. Diversion to other important things matter. Now I am thinking of an addition to that wish list – an iPad. Hahahaha! Naaah… too big to carry, or I guess so. Besides, someone has come up with the idea of iPad insurance. Now, who would actually need that? Not really in the box where I put my “Afford to Lose” stuff.

I am not really out of it. I just am out of the ordinariness of it. I mean, getting financial subsidy from my parents, which I think make me a spoiled brat at this age. I appreciate it, but not really. Once, I have been mocked by my friend. I have my reasons though. However lately, I start to own up my life. Not because I am tired of it (sort of), but I have a future now to speak of.

So saying that, I need to have a strategy how to keep my physical life going. With that, I mean the apartment. I think I live a middle-ly high maintenance living, considering I am not earning. That is my point, I have to start earning at my own terms. I have to re-evaluate what B and I have already started. At least now, I can focus on it and  have that degree of business insurance. I am thinking… oh I have a lot of thinking. I love thinking and it’s starting to be me really thinking. Confuse? Life is just like that. :p

Sadly, I cannot “copy paste” what my classmate from high school has told me. But in summary, he said that I’m still cool and getting cooler plus younger. That is a compliment indeed. I think the bratty lifestyle has paid off, huh?

I am still conflicted with things. I am only sure with a life with Brad, which is also fragile since it boils down to my sanity. I am a fluctuating current at the moment. Brad is my UPS and double as the regulator. Unfortunately, he is not here. Saying that, I need to try to roll into a sheet of normalcy paper. In that way, I can wrap my insanity and stay, of course, normal.

So I reckon, what drives me to live? LOVE.