seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

I was almost there. But then, I just changed my mind. Part of being back here is to be able to find great job opportunities. I know there are a lot of jobs that I could take. This is the place where I could actually shop for the job I want. However, I have to hold my horses and wait for the perfect timing. I still have to settle things before I could get a real job again.

I really hate living on my parents’ money, even if it would mean that they support me all the way. I know I am one of those previleged ones. But, I have learned so much from working and well I have my reasons. One of them is the value for work. Another is, what would Brad think of me? Yeah, I think somehow it’s that partly. I really don’t want to give him that impression that I’m so spoilt. I am, really. But, I am trying to be my own person. Hehehe his shoving my arse really works just fine.

Oh well, timing it is. I’m just going to let the air find it’s way the right path. Huh? Am I even making sense?

It seems that waiting is all I have been doing these days. I say, it’s really a tough task. Ironic, isn’t it? I haven’t really been doing much lately. I think I’m just hitting the final lap of my hibernation. The boyfriend is away and I still can’t decide on which day I should schedule my flight. To top of it all, I still want to lose another kilo or so before going to the event. I mean, it’s a lot of crashing to do. Not entirely me, but still, I won’t be heading to the cabinet for some diet pills. Lol! By merely talking about it suggests that I will be doing something drastic any time soon, huh? Oh well….

See, I want to complain of this. I can’t say this is not me, because I just figure that there is that time of the year that I just have to go on hiding for a reason or two. The good news is, I’m not that bitter anymore. I guess for the next year, I can fight this “idle season.” I have to stand by my choice. I really have to forget about having this safety net to fall in every time I get tired of life. Sure, I have that insane privilege. I know I am not alone on this, but hey life does not include a time out.

Anyhoo, in a lighter and pathetic side of things, I’m still into weight issues. I mean, really? Really! I don’t really have one. Hahahaha! I just want to be like normal? Yeah women worry about their weight alot.  They even go as far as diet supplement. Me, well, I just want to be a size 4. Lol! It is impractical, I know! I mean, I’ve always been a size 8 or 10, at least my bikinis are… I don’t know with the dress. Silly, huh? I’ve always been a medium growing up, making me really normal among other things. Hahahaha! I think I just realize that, if there is something really normal and mediocre about me, it’s my physicality. Thank goodness!

Among other things that I should be kind of worried is my bedroom. I’m sure I’m getting the same room anymore. With the baby and all, it’s not an option. The shape of the room is slightly hard to fill with any bedroom furniture. It’s long L shape. The windows are, well, the windows are not that open like I want them to be. I’m a very spatial person. I like everything wide and big and huge. Hahahaha! I’m not being kinky. It’s just that, I’m more into modern bedroom. Again, something very spacious or at I least have a four dimensional peripheral vision.

Actually, I have been envisioning a contemporary bedroom with colors on my wall with my previous room. I’m pretty sure at that moment that I’m settling down. It’s actually cut short with stress undermining my will power.

So anyway, my idea of a bedroom is really spatial with high ceiling like an Italian bedroom or something. I want something minimalistic with two-tone color. Oh well, I have to let go of that thought. I’m still trying to fix my life. Getting a real bedroom in a real house is far from what I want to aspire now.

One of my most anticipated TV series is Heroes. I watch the first episode of the new season. Well, no wonder the ratings has dropped. I always want to be the cheerleader so I won’t be hurt. I won’t die too. Anyway, I found this quiz online and it is designed to figure anybody’s superhero counterpart.

It has the usual questions, actually. In a superhero’s mind, it’s a no brainer. It’s about superpowers and all that. And I just found out that I am:

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Want to find out which superhero are you? Take the Superhero Quiz.

So, I am off to where I have left off. I have found out, there’s nothing really much for me here. I have come for the wrong reasons. Should I regret? It’s a little too late for that, huh? Or should I say, it’s not worth the whole effort. For the next days I’m preparing to be alone again. I’m really better off alone. Technically not, because I’ll be staying with Donna and her family. Yeah, her family.

Anyway, I’m de-cluttering and literally cleaning my closet here. I just don’t want to have a reason to hold me down. I need to see my dermatologist among other things too. I need an acne treatment and a recommendation of another doctor in Manila. So, I love my mom dearly. I think she just knows when I’m not in a good position. That, I might need something urgently. The last few days were just way way confusing.

I know I have been in this position before, but it is hell. I just couldn’t believe I’ve taken it on Brad. I should have known better.  I mean, I just want to hold him literally. He makes me safe and I want to be safe. It irritates me somehow. Then, he has brought in the idea of pizza and a movie with his perky mood. They should help, actually. I guess, I’m just a little jealous. The next thing I knew, well, I’ve been saying things again. *pft*

I have to go back. This is not home anymore. A home makes you happy. I’m not happy here. I’m miserable. I’m sad. I’m mad. Oh well….

There are a lot of reasons why I need a real life. I have life, no doubt about it. But I feel that I am so much having fun and I’m not really taking care of it. I mean, life should be a great one. I admit I am having fun, but I don’t think I’m happy with what I’ve been calling “fun.” *pft* It’s getting very tedious, actually. I think I now have a distorted definition of fun. Or perhaps, I am longing for something or more of a someone. I guess by then, I can have the real fun in life.

What am I blabbing about again? Oh yeah, I’m just saying that I need a well-balanced life. Life is not all fun. I think having fun is taking its toll on me. I’m not having fun at all anymore. It’s just like the concept of good and evil. Good can’t be grand as good if there is no comparison to evil. Just like me, my life is so fun and I’ve been drawing meaning out of fun. But, there is nothing to compared with. I mean, what about work? Hehehehe my work is fun for me too! I don’t know. Having fun should be the aim of life. However, not all fun spells happiness. I guess that’s what I want these days. Happiness.

I really believe I have to get a lesson like “how to improve your life” asap.

True and true. Skimboarding does wonders like losing the extra pounds. Lol! Seriously, I lost a kilo lately and still losing more. It’s not that I am using drugs to do the trick, like alli weight loss pill. I don’t know, these pills are so accessible these days. And, people tend to rely on them more than exercise.

I think I would be on such pill if I am that desperate. I mean, they are ready off the counter. I don’t need any doctor anymore. My sister should start taking some. She needs it somehow. I remember she has asked me how to lose all those flabs on the arms. I would not know. Exercise? Lipo? Really, she always complains but she is not doing anything. Oh well… who cares?! I have a plane ticket to mull over of.

It’s official and I’m not going to pretend anymore, just so I become that daughter who is so trying hard to be a good one. I HATE MY FATHER. I’m sleeping and waking to that thought everyday for the rest of my life. He makes me sick. I believe him with all the values he has taught me. Yes, I embrace them because they are supposed to make me good. I am good, except that goodness actually comes from hypocricy.

Why wouldn’t I have trust issues? Should I blame my father? I won’t even give him the pleasure of that thought. He thinks it anyhow. This morning I heard him say, “Home is way better without me.” Yeah, I am here but I am like a ghost or non-existent being. My brother Mikhail is the only one talking to me. Why? Because I think mom has told him so. I might kill myself. Guess what, I’m doing it. Life is happier without me. Why have they even asked for a child? I wish I have never been born.

I sound so pathetic, I know. But should there be something wrong with me. Yes. I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame anybody. What’s use blaming if they could not live up to their mistakes? At least, I own my setbacks, failures and flaws.

My father doesn’t really care except for himself. I listen to my grandmother’s broken heart. He does not even realize that. The things he have done to his own family. Why have I come home in the first place? Because, I don’t want to repeat his mistakes that he have done to his parents. But no, he pushes me away to do such unimaginable things.

Like, why I haven’t married Kieran? Because, my parents have eloped and got married. It should be the case with Kie and me. But hey, it works anyhow. Why would I want to marry a guy who is exactly the splitting personality of my father? Pride and more pride. It’s the very reason why I don’t like being in authority or even in the spotlight.

Hate is a very strong word. Anger is even stronger. But if it is something that would make me fight for life, I would not withdraw from such feelings. Actually, I am contemplating for a tattoo that says, “I am not my father’s daughter.”

I’m going to raise hell.

While it is the monsoon season, I’m not really out and about. The time of the year or whatever applies to me. I always believe that I’m designed for something great. Everything around just seem so ordinary. Then I realize, what keeps me from doing greatness. I am somehow limited to my parents idea of success. It reminds me that my dad is believing that I blame him for my failure. First of all, I’ve never thought about failure. Sure, I fail a lot of times, but I have paid my dues. I don’t hold grudge against it. I’m even way over blaming them for not letting me study advertising and in UP.

It’s really funny. I don’t really have a concept of success or even an ambition. I’m kind of hold a sort of digital signage that says FAITH ON FATE. I don’t have that “bahala na” syndrome. I just have that feeling of being taken cared of no matter what. Like, I’ll be fine anyhow.

Speaking of which, I want to take something new. It has been at the back of my mind for so long. Orienteering. I don’t know. I just want it or do it.