For what it’s worth, my association with people requires intensity. I have never known someone without passion or conviction. I have some close significant others minus such qualities (like Cha² who is a self-confessed material girl. Perhaps she would love it if I give her one of those Festina watches), but it’s okay. Mediocrity keeps me in reality. I admit, I feel judgmental at times. Yet, I always remind myself that whatever that person do is not of my business. I don’t care that much.

Yeah, I don’t really care now. I mean, I have 10-year immunity. Hmmnn what am I suppose to do with all that time? Ten years of selfishness. Well, I think fate finally gives me a vacation. I have been so selfless all these times, even to the extent of agony.

So anyhoo, I realize I have to go back to my original weight. It takes a lot of power. Geezh, I need to shred eleven pounds or four kilos. Ha! I can do this in a month. No wonder I run slow. No wonder I feel heavy.  It’s funny. I’m losing weight not to look good or whatever. I am losing weight so I can run faster. The goal is 105lbs. Lol! Hehehehe actually, I am considered someone with a healthy weight. I just need to run as fast as I can. The good news is I can do it fast, as long as I keep eating sugar at a minimal.

She is a true celebrity, and justifying every era. I love her transition. No wonder she is still out there even until now. She knows how to evolve. I also admire her for having faith in Britney Spears. As I recall, she has kissed her in that MTV performance. Britney actually has a cameo in the video shown on Madonna’s opening act. Come to think of it, Britney just got back from the bottom. It’s sweet, right?

I must admit Madonna is getting really old even if she can afford all those surgeries. But, look at her body, yeah? I find it really amazing.

I never listen to her album yet, except that song with Justin Timberlake. My sister even comments about how she dances slowly lately. I mean, if fifty could do that to the body. Then again, how many fifty-year-old can pull a leotard in front of the world? How many women in there 50’s who have arm muscles like a man? Hehehe! Okay that doesn’t sound right.

Oh well, lucky to those who are in Europe. I think they get Madonna’s priority in her concerts. It’s better to get tickets from the Internet. It’s really convenient, actually. Everybody can get event access through the help of ticketing hubs. These sites offer more than concerts. They include sports or games, just like ICC World Twenty20 Tickets and RBS Six Nation Tickets .

Well, in other news. I almost get into a forum fight. But then, I’m way over that. It’s not that I’m still 19 and could be tactless and all. I mean, seriously? Or perhaps, I don’t have that approximated concept of being within line or way out of line. Oh well, some people will really do anything for attention or their ego.

Hmmnn it reminds me, what do I do for my ego? I don’t fcking care! That’s what I do. The more I don’t care, the more I feed my ego. It’s my version of pride. Hehehehe! I’m not sure. I don’t really have the idea of pride. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking my time too often too much. I always ask, what the fck I’m doing this and that for? It’s not me to keep up with human trend of psychological bullsht. Perhaps that’s what keep me from getting somewhere else. Or perhaps, I’m just way rationalizing about my current state of idleness. Hey, at the end of the day, what matters for me is goodness. I think I’m just having a real difficult time incorporating that with actual human existence.

I could google this stuff, but I want to make a dumb comparison. Hehehehe! I hope someone will correct me eventually. I think outdoor lighting are way more luminous than indoor. We have this bulb. I forget what it’s called, but man it can really light up the beach at night. My brother always brings it to a beach overnight.

When I’ve been to Manila. I always pass by this lighting store. Fine art lamps are sold there. I want all of them, especially those forecast lighting collection. But then, I never go inside. It’s just too scary. I mean, if I want them, I might as well get a house. It would also mean that I might as well get a family of my own. Hahahaha! Seriously. That’s my idea of a house. It should always be a home. And, a home is just not as real if it could not be shared. *pft*

]]> http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/24/lighting-difference/feed/ http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/23/beaching-delimma/ http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/23/beaching-delimma/#comments Sat, 23 Aug 2008 02:03:39 +0000 CIELO http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/23/beaching-delimma/ I still don’t want to think about last night. What the hell I’ve been thinking? We are on that same page again. It’s so funny how I feel. I mean, it is a good thing. My emotions indeed signifies that I truly love him. I have that willingness to settle things, least that I’m sort of upset somehow. I mean come on, it’s not everyday that I get angry at somebody aside from my family.

Well, I want to throw in my swimsuit right now and head for the beach. It’s a little sunny, though. I don’t really like going there without any dark clouds. Nope, I’m not talking about being afraid of the sun. It’s just that when it’s so sunny, it’s mostly flat. I don’t like a flat water, unless of course I want to go flirting with someone on the shore.

How could he possibly doubt me over and over again? *pft* I could not blame him. I do it sometimes too. I love Brad from the center of my soul, wherever that is. It’s different with him. I don’t have to rationalize. All those convincing myself is a product of my silly paranoia, which is barely real. Like, I force it or something. Well, I have to be defensive somehow. I’ve been bitten once. I have a privilege to shy away twice.

He is my REAL happy thought. The one that really buffer me from bad feelings. When I think about him, I see me laughing with him. And oh, that sunny laugh by the beach. Salty breeze blowing my long hair, which apparently is nonexistence at the moment.

Yeah, it’s so frustrating when he wants me to virtually whisper something. I don’t know what to whisper on the screen. I sure know how to do it for real. Well honestly, I don’t really want to whisper. I just want to kiss him. If he only knows how much I love him. I want to do love. I don’t want to speak it or write it, or even whisper it to him. I mean, I’m not talking about just making love. I want him to experience my love beyond my words. Saying is one thing, doing it is another. It is greater… even greatest.

I really want to grow my hair back. I need to grow my hair as soon as possible. I feel really naked. I don’t really miss my hair because it’s my crowning glory. I just want it back because it makes me feel warm. Hehehehe. Yeah. Warm.  Should I get a hair loss treatment? Ha! I sound so desperate. Well, maybe because my hair stands for something. It’s my symbol of being crazy over the beach or whatever. Seriously, I am thisclose in getting a hair loss product.

I’m really desperate for my hair back. I shouldn’t have done that. I could’ve stick to the pig or pony tail. *pft*

]]> http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/22/wheres-hair/feed/ http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/21/done-and-done/ http://www.seacielo.com/2008/08/21/done-and-done/#comments Thu, 21 Aug 2008 09:09:01 +0000 CIELO http://www.seacielo.com/?p=335 Finally, I just emailed Samuel that I could not take the job. The outbreak nearby was the perfect alibi. Well, sort of, because travel would be a little risky. I didn’t regret it, although it would definitely open so many windows for me. But then again and before anything else, I would have to kiss someone else’s ass. It’s amazing that I learned to say NO.

Anyway, the whole process was okay. It made me think about catching up with myself. I could always do small gigs online. Did I mention that I could write any essay and get paid for it? Yeah, I really thanked students who are lazy and not motivate to write. They would just buy essay from the Internet. Cool, huh? It’s really been big. Getting someone to write a course essay to save time and effort. *pft*

These online sites has been offering anybody essays custom-made for any topic. For instance, the GCSE Business Coursework, which could include a wide-range of subjects. Anyway, I could write for someone else, as long as the pay would compensate enough. Besides, I did write for almost everybody else back in school. Even after I finished school, I was still sought to write for my brothers, sisters, cousins and friends. They said I’m strong in essay.  However, it’s been awhile since I’d written something.

He is an American author in Camiguin. He has told me that he needs a little island-y inspiration to work with his “writer’s budget.” I know most writers are poor unless they get published and then sold millions of copies.  Oh yeah, I won’t start with my theories of him being here in the country.

So anyway, if I decide to go for this job, I need to have a clearance. Ha! Police clearance. Seriously?! I fnd it weird. I mean, only paranoid people do that.  People who won’t shell a dime on background check and have no sense of good judgment. Hehehe! My previous company has asked for an NBI clearance. But police clearance? I bet he doesn’t know that being cleared from the NBI is as good as being cleared from criminal offenses.  I know there is a point of criminal background check. But then, I feel I’m a little demeaned here. With all the criminal check and the pay, it’s not worth it somehow.

Geezh, I know I’m bitching. Well, does apprenticeship spells this kind of sacrifice? Perhaps it’s about a little pride or what. I mean, I know he will be taking advantage of my skills. He has said it all along, I have better grammar than him. Seriously, he is writing about his bad back. Is it worth it? I mean, to learn from someone who writes about a bad back? I don’t have a bad back. My boyfriend has no bad back. My dad whose like 60 something has no bad back. My grandmother is 80 and is not complaining from a bad back. Ha!

Honestly, what attracts me about this job is the opportunity to travel for free, and I mean around the world. I could also meet people that would toss me up in the competitive ladder. Well, at least he has told me that. At least, some part of me wants to believe that. OMG! I’m really naive! I don’t really know. I need Brad right now.

Somehow, it’s like I’m also filling in for the lack of his girlfriend. I mean come on, he has told me that he is wasting his girlfriend’s time. Like what… keeping up with him? Talking comprehensive English.  I could imagine how they communicate. Hehehehe! Now, I’m really bitching. And then, if I want to have a sort of raise from my supposedly pay, I could clean the house; do the laundry; and, cook. Oh boy! Hahahah! I do domestication only for the ones I love. Cooking?! I only cook with love. How am I suppose to do that?!

Geezh, if I take this job, I will ask an allowance from my daddy. He will not say no to personal development. My daddy can even give me more than he has offered me.

I’ve been used a lot of times. I don’t mind if it’s for the greater good. But, I don’t want anybody capitalizing on my talent anymore. Of course, except if they pay me enough compensation. I’m not a fresh graduate anymore. I have experience. Most of all, I work with passion.

Originally, I’ve been meaning to put some rugs on that side of the room. I love those Persian rugs, although I could settle for anything less than those. Having those accents in the room will be a big difference. I’m on to creating that spatial illusion. I believe that area rugs are known for that. I just hope that I could score some cheap rugs somewhere.

I’m also planning to buy a couch and transfer the TV right over there. Put a table for my little writing space. The room is used to be my own. No sharing with the sisters. However, with all those supernatural going on the second floor, I have to sleep with them. But, I like it anyway. This is one of the reasons why I’ve come home.

Oh well, just another wishful thinking. It will be my aunt’s space any time soon. I guess, the room will be smaller when it’s suppose to be the biggest room in the house. Tsk, tsk… crowded even.

I just don’t know why at the end of the sixth month, work becomes stressful. Although I never regret working with my previous companies, I need some constant inspiration. I’m not here to work for the money. I’m here to work because I want to make a change. Lol! Whatever that means. But, finding out about J and J even makes me insecure. I need a company that fuels my passion and not just pay me to do the job.

Oh well, I wish I could find something like J and J any time sooner. Domestication is slowly taking its toll on me.

Among other things he required me business casual clothes. I choked for awhile there. Seriously?! Yes sir! I thought about skirts and jackets. It’s the shoes that really got me irritating. It would mean that I should be wearing high heels. I was thinking just about my boots. They could always match with any formal attire.

Anyway, this would really mean buying new shoes, perhaps stilettos. *sigh*