seacielo

Whoever or whatever my mother turned to just to have me have given me an extra punch in my life. A toast for the “guardians” who have never deserted me, even if from a shrink point of view, I might be creating them. Ha! Not! Or yeah, I’ve came from a long line of supernatural clan from both sides, why shouldn’t I be special? Like I have always said, I am always taken cared of.

One question: WHAT DID MY BOYFRIEND DO FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS?

Of course, it is a girlfriend’s role to trust. I do trust him. Really, like sincerely really trust him. Like, I mean it when I say I trust him. Okay I have made a point on trust already. But well, I should be braking on that so-called unconditional trust. Guys always make it sound so harmless and meaningless regardless of the magnitude, yeah? I shouldn’t be doing this. It is like I am un-loving the love of my life. But then again, I am just saying and trying to establish a realization and affirmation:

Being left alone (with guys around): I feel that way the past days. I mean, I consider it because it’s the holidays. *sigh* I still cannot get over my New Year Surprise. Seriously, I really want to celebrate New Year. When I do, I mean it. Not just any capitalism event or because it is the rightful thing to do, but for the first time I want to make a toast for a New Life, Happiness and perhaps a Future. But then again, I cannot fight boobs and beers with him thousand miles away.

There must have something happened. When other guys are flocking my way, ohhh it’s bad. Remember before? The evil girlfriend in me? Oh, I am not going to pull that on Brad. I am afraid so.

Fernan is the new guy. How sweet of him to wake me up this morning persistently. And yeah, I think he just called me “honey.” Wtfcking fck?! Honey? Really? I’ve wished it could’ve been Brad.

Then there’s the mythical creature of my evil life – Peter. Lol! I cheated with him circa Kieran and Edong and Mark… and the rest subsequently. Opps! I mean, really! For ten years now, he is still all about me. Like, he has cheated on his girlfriends with me. Fortunately and unfortunately, it is just virtual cheating between us. I couldn’t really cheat beyond that. It’s not nice anymore. Hahahaha! Like, there is a nice thing that comes along with cheating, huh? Oh yeah, Peter has gone one on one with Fernan in calling me this  monring. I have missed their calls, because it is not Brad. I am still asleep so do speak. But yeah, I have answered Peter more than once. Kudos to the bad signal. Hahahaha! What can I do, it is too annoying. I still want to dwell in my sad thoughts in bed.

But then, for what it’s worth, they have filled in the empty position that my boyfriend is supposedly filling in. Oh geezh, it is the same old process. Fernan has cheered me up last new year. I have been waiting for that call from Brad, but Fernan called instead. Had he not brought up Twilight, I would not be laughing. He is nice. Hehehe forget about Peter, he just want to fck me from the very start. I don’t know, even if I turn 40, I think he would still be calling just to get that sweet fck. Hahahahah! Well, I acknowledge his perseverance in finding  and keeping up with me. And yeah, there’s this other guy whose calling again… I think it’s Benjie. He sure does make a way to call me from prison. Awww sweet.

Yeah this what happens, when a boyfriend leave me out of his sight. Yeah, it is up to me to fight them all. But then, this only happens when my strength is down to a half because the other half is somewhere else.

I am really thinking of running away before I start cheating. I mean, he has given me an idea to live our lives separately. And by that, I think getting laid is part of it, yeah? Hehehehe what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Geezh, I feel I am getting to be an evil girlfriend by the moment.

Dreaming Y: I never mentioned it before. I did have a Yuri dream that time my boyfriend has mentioned about having a female live in his house. Like really, someone to cook or clean? I should’ve said yes if he did it for the money. Right now, I’m not sure he has kept his words. I mean, he always says lately those words which I wanted to hear. Perhaps they are all what he has been saying from the very start. There is no magic after all. I am just a stupid little girl to believe there is such a real cosmic connection between two beings like that mentioned in John Donne’s poems. I really have thought I would never have the dream, but I am wrong.

Picture, picture: When I wake up every morning and turn on my pc, I look at my wallpaper and say, “I am madly and deeply in love with this person.” Today, I feel nothing at all. I believe I just suddenly fell out of love. Completely. It’s not like I have a control over my heart. It’s sad, really. I am so crushed. I could not even tell him. Seriously, I am done with the drama with him. I am starting to walk away now. It is up to him to stop me. But, I don’t think he would this time. He has told me that he would not crawl anymore… something like that. Good for him. I think, it’s the best thing. It saves the both of us such pain, although I am really hurting now. *sigh* If he only knew how much I have loved him. It will take a lot of time to revive what he has ruined. I don’t like loving conditionally. I think my unconditional love finds its way back to the ocean. Oh well… there goes my heart again. Silly fool stupid me.

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