seacielo

Trust. Distrust. Betrayed. Blah. Blah. Blah. I just recently cancel my Facebook account again. Really, network has taken its toll on me. Let me rephrase that, people are just impossible. Of course, without any exception, including me.

I feel this character in a disturbed Renaissance painting. I feel little for a reason. I feel big for another reason. I feel powerful for other reason. I’m in the middle one person is giving me a questioning look. Another person is attempting to make me agree. And then, a lot of people are kissing my arse. But then again, I feel belittle of all the events that have been going on lately. It takes me back to a very gloomy dark place. A familiar place. *sigh*

In case you don’t notice, I am the all-time anti-social. Ironically, I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of people surrounding me. But really,  I just want to be with one person, to whom I can share my weirdness and impossibilities. I am supposed to say, I just want to be alone. But then, I am a healthy woman who needs a mate. He makes me realize that somehow.

And then, there’s my uberly unbearable issue of trust. I really love Brad. But, doubt is consuming me. This is what I am afraid all those times, and it’s happening 18 days until I am going to be with him. How can I even kiss him?

I cannot blame him. I can only blame myself. Perhaps I am not enough. I don’t deserve trust. I try to overcome the fact that he has shared our privileged conversations. I feel I am worthless. It feels like he listens to others more than me. What really hurt most is that I trust a guy friend more than I trust him now. When I do so, it is a bad sign. A really bad sign. Not that I have a thing for my friend, but I just don’t trust anybody. It takes a lot to gain my trust, and it’s not everyday that I let someone to trust me. And I am still in denial that Brad has ruined that. Because, I rather believe in love and faith and hope. Then part of me asks, what about trust, respect and honesty? The latter three are always a support to the first three.

I don’t know what to think. I cannot face him with a doubt in my heart. I don’t feel sunshine anymore whenever I think of him. I feel so crushed when I have a thought of him now. I’ve told him from the start that I have trust issues.

Lesson learned: Once bitten, twice shy.

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