seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

The car is still nursing a deep scar. Lol! I make that sound like it’s a baby or something. Well, it has to be someone’s baby. Not mine, of course. Daddy is like bitching about it blah blah blah. I mean, seriously? He just forget about car insurance. Whatever. I just urge him to get some auto insurance quotes . He’s so smart, sometimes he just forgets. Ha! I guess, I get that kind of quality from him. Heehhehe! Yeah, I know. I can’t stop talking about my father. I have issues, what can I say. I either need to see a shrink or talk to my daddy. Tough one. I say, I’ll just run away.

The problem of being an empath is feeling others’ emotions without even soliciting them. Although I already figure how to shut out, there is still that look. Indeed, the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Sometimes it is just hard to look and talk. I love people when I feel sunny and breezy. Nothing fancy, just all perky truth or honesty. It’s just that my daddy has been lying to us and most of all to himself. If only he could lay off his pride.

So okay, I want to bitch about my dad. It’s not that I could go up to him and bitch for real, right? So here’s me:

Daddy, why can’t you just talk to your brother and sister? It’s just a huge misunderstanding. Here you are feeling miserable about family and everything. Where have all those family wisdom gone? Keep the family together blah blah blah. Have I known this is what I’m going home to, I could have just gone for my own life plans, which you and mom have a problem with. What is it with you and saying sorry? Oh I seem to forget, you’ve missed out on teaching that value. Yes, daddy you never really have taught me real apology. But of course, I learn from your mistakes.

It seems that you prefer to hang out with whosoever than pay your mother everyday visit. For heaven’s sake, she is 80. She needs attention. You should be somehow ashamed. Just so you know, she still prays the novena for you every night. I don’t really know what’s the real deal between you and uncle Jim. I mean, practically you two have been in a competition since kids. What’s with all that?  I don’t understand why you prefer to drink with whosoever than with your own brother.

See, I’m way pass the drama of chasing my dream and family. Just so you know, I have planned all my life when I was 15. I know what I want to do. I make things happen, in case I have to repeat myself. But, you and mom cut me off from my dream. You never even ask me about what I want to be. You have told me instead. And at 29, I still want your approval. Need I slap the whole thing to your face? But then again, I believe that being a good daughter is worth it, right?

You don’t even know how all these hurt me. But then again and again, I always remember my grandma telling me to accept things and be brave. Sometimes I just want to run. Do you think it’s easy wondering every night where you are and my brothers? Of course, I don’t doubt your judgment. But please, just a little respect for what I have given up.

Do you know why I won’t tell you all these to your face? I could kill you with these words. That’s why you want me to become a lawyer. I can show you the ugly truth. Remember the time when I’m just a little girl. I have told you to pack your things and be with whosoever. I’m like 2 or 3 at that time, right? I have noticed, you’re not always home, spending time with whosoever. "What’s the point of coming home if you are always out? Why don’t you pack your things and stay with your friends or whosoever?"

You take me back to that position, at least I’m almost there. Can’t you see it’s affecting me in so many ways? Perhaps that childhood memory defines my trust issues. Daddy, I so love you. That’s why I have to bottle these awful feelings so you could live your life the way you want it. How about me, daddy? I know that’s why you want me just a spoiled brat. You just don’t want to confront with me.

So anyway, while you’re out again. Wow… all weeknights. Daddy, it’s either I will run away again and try to live my life. This time I won’t go back even if mom will plead. Or, I’m going to ruin my life and take pleasure in your misery. Let me see, that’s what I’m doing the whole time growing up. I’m just too smart to mess with your head and not do stupid stuff like drugs, sex, getting pregnant, useless peers, etc. What would you do if I’ll do that all now? And last but not the least, kill myself. I bet it will settle everything.

Well, I’m not sad. I’m not even in denial. I’m not angry. I’m just tired. All I can think right now is Brad telling me to be optimistic. Think well and positive. He’s the only one I know that tells me to be my own person; to chase my dream.  I guess, I won’t be killing myself anytime soon.

I’m on generosity sabbatical. Whatever I mean by that. Anyhoo, I’m so excited today since the aphrodisiac post from my other blog has sky-rocketed to 3,304 hits in a day. I compliment Toph for the effort. He really has written it so well. I can’t wait to tell him, except that he is still asleep or changing Halleigh’s diaper right now.

So anyway, I sort of decide to pimp this blog into something more sunny and gay. Hehehehehe! Or, sexy perhaps. I can pull in more bucks, although I call it my virtual money. I just do it for the fun of it. Oh hey, every work I have is something for the fun of it. Funny, huh? I just hope I get more and more offers. I really need to haul my luggage to somewhere else. It’s way better if I don’t look back. Besides, I’m on sabbatical.

It’s just so sad I haven’t really get my brother what he really wants. I have saved already for that little present, but eventually things have not turned the way they are expected. I’m giving him the PSP, provided that he will finish and pass the board exam. But then, he is still on the reviewing part. He has just chickened out and decided to get the test on November. He must have sensed the mojo or something. I always feel that everything has to be in its right time. Perhaps he feels otherwise. Anyhoo, should I still get him the PSP? I’m thinking more of a PS3 so the other brother could share? What is this with guys and video games. However, for what it’s worth, my brothers are elite gamers.

I’m still on the phase of arranging things. Ha! Whatever that means. The usual what to do; what to do? But the real question is, what the fck am I doing? Nothing. Nothing, actually. I’m just thinking too much. Thinking hard, actually. I’m so into thinking that it makes acne the new black. Hehehehe! It’s not really a biggy. My pimples come in a rash facade. Who really cares?! All I need is to get everything done. I’m still stuck in a bum moment. I’m thinking of a million excuses, rather than thinking creatively. I’m losing my way. Whose to blame; whose to blame? I really need to pull myself together. Somebody slap me now!

Today I wake up without another life. What I mean by that is I don’t feel anything. There’s just my old little feeling of self-remorse. Yeah, again. The thing about being an empath is, the feelings of others help in forgetting, if not masking one’s own emotions. Today, I finally feel the disconnection from Brad. I’ve re-checked it over and over again. All I get is a feel of a female presence around him. It’s not because of the story he has told me. I just feel it.

My being an empath always gets in the way of my relationships. The sad part about it is the guy always lie or tell me half truth. Half truths like yeah there’s this girl but I swear we are just talking. Then I go, “yeah like flirting talking .” Then he go, “no just talking talking.” I mean, what wrong about telling the truth? It will hurt me, yes, but it hurts more when I feel the lie. It’s like this little needle pricking my soul.

Well, I’m happy for him because he has something real. I’d be lying if I don’t want something real. I want the real deal this time. I want to stop that crazy fantasy over the idea from a John Donne’s poem (A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning). Here’s my favorite lines-

Dull sublunary lovers’ love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, ’cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix’d foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th’ other do.

I hold on to this poem like a perfect love story. This is what I want. Perhaps, I just want to prove that this kind of love exists. Whatever I mean, read and feel the poem. It’s beyond human understanding. It’s metaphysical. It has already been fulfilled to its deepest meaning. (Thank you Brad). However, I want more. I want a normal love… something near and tangible like everybody else. I mean, I just can’t go splurging away everything on him. He has actually done it. Fortunately, I’m successful in making him realize that we are not real. I’m so good, damn good. But yeah, it hurts.

Whatever. Love sucks!

Eating organic, owning organic and doing organic is not just the latest trend. It is the RIGHT thing to do. I guess, people slowly realize that civilization has turned its back to what is natural. I don’t know if they are popping in other countries. But, herbal medicines or food supplements as to sound correctly are out and about.

Forget the Chinese and other Oriental medicines, because they are overrated. Lol! I’m talking about all-Filipino way of healing. It’s so funny because growing up my grandparents and even my parents use leaves of this and that to cure some simple ailments. I always find it weird and think that why could they just go to the nearest drugstore. But hey, herbal medicines are sprouting in capsules these days. My question now is, what will happen to me if I take them all at the same time. As far as I know from the TV ads these are out there:

Heartvit - for the those who have weak heart
Liveraid - for those who want to detoxify from heavy drinking and all other liver whatever
Kidneycare - for those who want flush the toxins out of the beans
Memoryaid - for those who want to catch up with their memory
Diabet - for those who have sugar problem
Arthrocin - for those who have joint problem

These are just among the few that are sold on the market. I find it really funny, so funny. I always throw a tantrum when my mother shoves that icky “kalabo” liquid right through my throat. I guess, she has always been right after all. Like oh, when I have a wound, she always see to it that I would disinfect it with water from guava leaves. It has worked actually.

Now what does it got to do with me? I think, I will ask Chris to score me some weed. I feel that my depression is about to pay me a visit. Hehehehe! Thanks to my friend Andee who always reminds me - “Don’t panic, it’s organic.” I mean, some shrink will only prescribe me an anti-depressant like Prozac. I heard so many stories about the addiction and other stuff. If I want to be addicted, I’ll stick to love baby.

Anyhoo, yup weed is the way to go. But then again, I have to get my license first. Hahahahaha!

Geezh, I feel such a Katie Holmes right now minus the horrible outfit. Not that I intend to follow the bob trend, I just need a light head literally. I have taken away the hair that shouts my sunny disposition. So, what happens now? I don’t know. For what it’s worth, I’m called for an interview. Without a doubt I can get job. The problem is, it’s in Cebu. Upside: Near Argao, Liloan and Talisay spots. Downside: Perhaps a random meaningless sex with an ex-boyfriend, etc in some discounted stays just like in laughlin hotels. Oh another thing, I’m still the official stay-at-home daughter. Whatever that fcking means.

Oh yeah, I remember. I have sent Brad this email. Hideous cold. I’m such a bitch. Well, you cannot blame me. I mean, earlier that night I have been sort of throwing myself at him. Like, I’ve spent a day thinking and even practicing my lines. Then, the response I’ve got is a random story about some hot chicks of almost flirting whatsoever. I’ve realized that I become upset, perhaps jealous. I mean, I’ve just laid it all and really working on the risking part. That almost flirting or sexual tension is more real than the possibility of being together; or, possibly “clicking” for real.

Of course, I will run. I cannot handle the thought of it. I’m not being possessive. Maybe I have started to rewind everything he said. I’m trying to focus on that one day I could just have that couch lovin’. I so lack practice. Well, whatever gets me through the night. I should tell him all these, instead of what I have written in my email. Like I’ve said, I cannot afford anger with him yet. What am I saying? *sigh*

Well, I haven’t gone to the beach for whatever I’m opted to do. I figure that I want to keep this something. If I lose my love to forever, it would also mean apathy at its finest. Actually, it’s the sound of my heart beating. I’m just fascinated. The idea of a guy telling me to give me the world. Quiet amazing. It’s all I wanted to hear, not that I really require such thing. The joy and peace he has brought still holds me together. I hope this will not rub off sooner.

I run because I’m a coward. Afraid of rejection, perhaps. After all those virtual sweet nothings and everythings, there would just be nothing at all. This is the first time I am afraid of rejection. It’s better to lose now than lose later right. I’m just choosing the lesser evil. Hey, I’ve almost gone for the whole nine yards. I could not imagine myself losing that warm and fuzzy someone later on. Whatever. But hey, we are still friends somehow. I don’t know. Oh… just another me, myself and I.

I did it. Cut my hair. I got a new do. Strange that I woke up from a dream this morning. A wave dream. That clean shorebreak. Must be a sign or something. Should I quit not?