seacielo

Boredom makes you do things

March 15th, 2010 Cielo Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

I guess it does. Ted is right I should have an anger management thing. I am about to go silent. I don’t mean to… it’s just that my system holds back to whatever possible damage I can cause than shutting up. It’s like my throat is tied down.

I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry of the thought of always being robbed of. Why can’t I just have one thing I can keep for myself? Just one… just one. I should deserve it because I have been skinning my ass giving away everything and everything I can ever have.

The good side of being angry is running… skimboarding. I share everything, but I am ironically intimate. At the end of the day, I just need to share it with one person or no one at all.

Perhaps I am angry because what I have done in the past is reliving itself. Whenever I was bored, I talked to people… least not guys. And then, the next thing I knew, I got carried away… cheating on my boyfriend with like three guys at the same time. Oh it’s not about physically or sexually cheating, it’s about mentally and emotionally cheating… connecting with someone else.

It may not be a big deal for others. But yeah, it is for me. I can feel people. And yeah, I never meant to cheat back then. It just happened. It just happened that there was a connection. Little or not, there was a connection. I am proud of myself to handle things these day with such loyalty and love. It’s like not allowing anybody to connect except… It is hard but I learn to do so.

Boredom makes me do things. I don’t do that anymore. I’ll die if I will do that again. It wasn’t me to cheat before but my boyfriend was not there for me. I think I blame myself for not being here today and being with him.

Double regret on that… I just spent a lot on shopping for the baby. If I should have stayed, I should have not have a double trouble. But then, I am going home tomorrow. It’s easier to be hurt at home; easier to be sad; easier to be upset… because there is a space to run. My anger will get me that 20km everyday. My sadness will maintain my pace. My pain will keep my breath longer.

Lesson learned: Know your enemy – RATM