seacielo

i know you are really worried about me. then again, my lucid intervals are short and almost unreal. i look back time and time again. i see reasons worth holding on. like… hmmnnn just living life for the hell of it. i seem can’t tell that those supposedly motivation are just mere excuses. i think that what God wants me to do is to live my life first, before sharing it to others. maybe ‘helping others’ is not really my calling, not just now. i need to help my self first no?

i miss writing you with all the sunshine and sea breeze. you can even imagine me in my skin glow. it’s alright tan. as long as i know you’re there, i will try and try to get better; because i know i can always reach and hold your hand without even looking behind, or even in the dark.

i’m not ready to talk tan. i forget if i ever told you about what makes me so sad. that’s what eating me up. i never really thought it will chase me this far. i think it’s better to keep it. i rather keep hurting than make a scene that may ruin what has been already mended. i can always stir up anger, misery and hate as much as i can give away absolute affection. the consequences are so risky. all i’m counting on is my faith. it’s the only thing that will defy fate.

THE PROBLEM WITH ME IS I LOVE TOO MUCH without loving my self first. i loved my self, but i don’t know why some people found a way to make me feel disgusted. i’m trying to live through that, and this time is the hardest. because, i am fighting the hate. i cannot hate. i cannot get mad. see… i told you i love too much. i don’t want to inflict others pain. i really thank you tan, because not once i felt you have taken advantage of me in any way, you even make me strong instead.

right now it does not matter. i can supress this like i always have. i’m going to stop blaming those who robbed my passion. i can live again, tan. all i need is my passion back. i will get it back… that’s why i need a new place away. a new life.

thinking between peach and flesh…. xuxu