After years and years of trying to figure this life, I finally have found the answers. Then I ask, why have I not realise them sooner?
The truth is, somehow a sad truth, I am destined to love but not be loved. Only divine love can meet my understanding and even my standards of love, as how it should be experienced. Only God and myself can love me truly and deeply. I guess the love that comes from my son is included. After all, he has been a part of me for a period of time. There is also that cosmic chord that connects us as mother and child.
I know my husband loves me, but I never feel the fulfilment from him. I choose to love him, because he is such a pure soul. It is a delight to love him until he has told me to let him love me, and then my demise slowly creeps in. I believe it is what made me greatly sad and mad, to the point of leaving this reality unfinished.
And so again, I cannot let anybody love me. Now that I get my bearings back, meaning my walls are up and strongly about, I would not let anyone in anymore. It is the only way for me to continue this lifetime head on. I am determined to see my purpose through. I have to achieve the meaning of my existence.
Somehow I know the essence of my life, even of the next and the one after that –– love, just love, like how love should be.
I should feel down about knowing, but I feel relief. I am peaceful. I mean, everybody wants to be loved. I guess, I am an exception. I need somebody to love, though. My son is that somebody. It use to be my husband, but he already has his fair share of me.
I am curious. Is this only me? Or will my son be the same somehow someday? Perhaps I should give him warnings and pointers. Such yearning is inevitable, whether it be love or just lust, the longing to be with someone is given –– to share time, space and energy called love. Oh, love!
Do I want to be loved, perhaps in the future? Hmmnn... I prefer being adored or admired from a distance. I rather have a limited and controlled relations with another being, particularly considering the amount of time, space and energy involved. I have no desire to exert or even waste such factors with anyone anymore, except with my son of course. Yeah... I guess it has taken me awhile to realise universal existence.
Watching love,
sC