seacielo

I think I am in denial almost accepting. In both cases it’s not good. It means apathy. I believe indifference is my most powerful defense. I just don’t want to confront  it any more and even choose to move on. I don’t want to waste my mind on it. I might as well add insult to the injury, which I am very good at.

I try to make sense of everything. I know I am just being careful not to revisit a ten-year melancholia and self-loathe. Perhaps this time it is worth fighting for. Pain is a little price to pay for happiness. It’s like happiness is taxing me with hurt once in awhile. I have to pay my dues. Happiness is not really free. One has to pay for it either way. I am not talking about monetary value of smiles. There are various media of exchanges. Like… bartering happiness with a little unfaithfulness of a husband to his wife. Like… breaking a bone or two in one’s favorite sports. Like… everything else.

Tonight. I feel nothing at all. I feel cold. I feel empty. I feel… yes… nothing.

Like everybody else, I pay for what I need from this lifetime. I believe in the idea of freedom, but definitely this life is not for free. There’s no such thing as redeeming happy coupons.

I cannot even say it’s going to be okay. This is my last straw in life, love and what nots. I never believe in luck, because I am a faithful person. But tonight, I wish my self luck, ironically.

:/

I guess it does. Ted is right I should have an anger management thing. I am about to go silent. I don’t mean to… it’s just that my system holds back to whatever possible damage I can cause than shutting up. It’s like my throat is tied down.

I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry of the thought of always being robbed of. Why can’t I just have one thing I can keep for myself? Just one… just one. I should deserve it because I have been skinning my ass giving away everything and everything I can ever have.

The good side of being angry is running… skimboarding. I share everything, but I am ironically intimate. At the end of the day, I just need to share it with one person or no one at all.

Perhaps I am angry because what I have done in the past is reliving itself. Whenever I was bored, I talked to people… least not guys. And then, the next thing I knew, I got carried away… cheating on my boyfriend with like three guys at the same time. Oh it’s not about physically or sexually cheating, it’s about mentally and emotionally cheating… connecting with someone else.

It may not be a big deal for others. But yeah, it is for me. I can feel people. And yeah, I never meant to cheat back then. It just happened. It just happened that there was a connection. Little or not, there was a connection. I am proud of myself to handle things these day with such loyalty and love. It’s like not allowing anybody to connect except… It is hard but I learn to do so.

Boredom makes me do things. I don’t do that anymore. I’ll die if I will do that again. It wasn’t me to cheat before but my boyfriend was not there for me. I think I blame myself for not being here today and being with him.

Double regret on that… I just spent a lot on shopping for the baby. If I should have stayed, I should have not have a double trouble. But then, I am going home tomorrow. It’s easier to be hurt at home; easier to be sad; easier to be upset… because there is a space to run. My anger will get me that 20km everyday. My sadness will maintain my pace. My pain will keep my breath longer.

Lesson learned: Know your enemy – RATM

Ang Beach Boy. Ahh Umm!

Well, it’s that or that. I still haven’t really get to have a real feel of Cherry Chuck. I think it’s the part where I share him. When did I learn to let people ride my board? It makes me miss my home boys, they always have reservations to borrow my board. It’s not that I am selfish, but I have a thing with my board. It’s Beavis’ fault! And that guy by the beach years ago.  He told me, “Borrowing boards is like borrowing underwears.” Eewwww! I feel I whore it all out. If it was a girl, she’d be all raped by now.

I think I go for the Dagger. Hhahaaha! Not yet, but quiet soon!

The lounge light just got busted. I thought energy saving bulbs has that longevity. Wait, I have to ask my dad about it. Lol! Little things like these make me wish dad is around. He has this fetish on light bulbs and lighting outlets. Perhaps because he is an electrical engineer. Sort of. Oh father! Back home, I never have to worry about busted bulbs and electric bills.

Finding such situation. Perhaps a little rearranging and redecorating will help. How about a wall sconce? That will be very weird. Oh we have one outside. Huh? Where is Brad? It’s Sunday and  he’s not yet here.

Twangk… Twangk… Twangk… CLICKIE.

More Piccies, CLICK HERE.

There are still more… wish I can hoard them all here. Lol!

1. Study for Friday… last exam. SALES
2. Think of going back to Iba or just have dinner at LS
3. Shop and pack for home
4. Ask Ted if he has settled everything
5. Ask Augie if he already got the pictures
6. Do the laundry before going home
7. Print tickets
8. Party with Lex friends… Irene (?)
9. Contact contact contact people
10. *yawn*

I need a new life. I cannot stand the way it is – looking at it; being on in; waiting on it; feeling it. There is a thin line between sentimental value and obsolete, least not trying to exhaust its  worth. I think for more than three years my lappie has served its purpose. Well, I need a new laptop computer. That, and perhaps a new desktop. Am I asking too much? Hahahaha! Let see what daddy will say.