seacielo - Da Kine o’ Life

As I finished a no-ripping of surfers summer, I get to spend a lot of time in a surfing community. The authorities really had no exact idea about skimboarding competition. So there, Sir Steve and his crew - Upaw and James went to organize and host the event. I was just there to check the place out, whether or not I could have a really nice hut with the shore swell view. Nope. Not really. I didn’t feel that kind of ecstatic or cosmic feeling being there. It’s not a negative vibe, the place just didn’t take my breath away. Perhaps it’s not the season. Regardless, the place was okay but not that great. But then, I get to meet the godfather of skimboarding in Mindanao, Sir Steve. Here’s some pix:

Set! Set! Set!

Fiesta dinner with Davao Skimboarders! I pull a Britney! Not! I have undies, yeah!

Me + Stib = Ram Ram, out of place!

Waterfalls and yeah, I missed this one

That’s right James! That’s the way to flag down! Easy hitchhikin’

With the Lanuza locals

Trust me, you would not want to go there without a reason. It’s the edge of the world.

on a lower note, tan was excited - for a change - that someone rather than kieran has authentically swept me away. she knew that someday somehow i would grow out him, i didn’t even believe her. oh she has been waiting for the day. on a higher note, she knew me well and asked if i’d done what i always do - pulled my guy stunts. probably it has been so natural of me. however, it was different. why would i ever dis on the conversation like that and feel guilty? ‘not me at all. but trust me, when i did pull a cielo with Brad, it was hard like never been before. perhaps because, i knew all along that he is all good. i was embarassed, instead:

sea_ cielo (7/3/2008 3:50:45 PM): i dont want any plans
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:51:14 PM): gud that you have laid out your agenda from the start
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:51:42 PM): u huh.. but you know slowly he is making plans.. and i always go… i dont know with you but i wont be making any
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:51:31 PM): have you been talking dirty na?
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:51:34 PM): hehhe
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:51:51 PM): talking dirty?
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:51:52 PM): no
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:51:54 PM): as in!
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:51:57 PM): it scares me so much
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:00 PM): no nothing sexual?
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:05 PM): no tan
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:12 PM): GOOODD!!
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:14 PM): kahit if im the one opening it
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:21 PM): ayaw.. like hindi papatol
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:25 PM): then, i dont see any reason to be worried
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:30 PM): get to know the guy
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:38 PM): i am..
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:40 PM): see if you can be friends with him
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:43 PM): we are friends
tan guimary (7/3/2008 3:52:57 PM): develop the friendship then
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:52:57 PM): like hey dude what’s going on down under kind of friends
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:53:20 PM): yeah we’re all good on that part… we talk like friends..
sea cielo (7/3/2008 3:53:31 PM): like mocking and sarcastic at times

i was seriously shocked that tan asked me before I could even tell her. oh yeah, she was good. well, i’d say she’s looking forward to this one. i really thought she would say things. i couldn’t blame her for being so protective. she has always kept my tears. she would not want to see me down that road again.

geezh! i pulled a cielo? what was i thinking? for what it’s worth, he passed. i shouldn’t be doing any, because i took his word for everything he said. but then again, it’s been so natural of me although i wasn’t thinking of doing it. i was really ashamed. it was really a good thing brad called (in the middle of my talk with tan). he always knew when i need appeasing.

While I am really contemplating on shifting to surfing and finally retiring from skimboarding, I just realize that I belong more to the shore than out there in the deep. I have been watching Brad’s video and I’ve thought, why would I even think that I will quit? Perhaps everyone in my local circle are like, “hey brah, let’s go surfing…!”

Yeah, considering the surfers who offer to teach me. If I ever even consider I opt to have lessons with Attorney or whatever his name is. I’m pretty sure I can learn without anything more to learn.

Anyhoo, nope I am saying this now, I am not retiring. Why should I? I just happen to find the guy who rocks my world, and damn he can rip. It’s a cool thought, yeah? Skimboarding couple. Well, I know some people like Brien and Arlene. But hey, my guy can rip more than her guy. Ha!  Okay, I’m not looking for any fight. Besides, I don’t know if it’s true. Skim chicks are way cooler than surfer chicks. I mean, coming to think of how nasty to fall and get all wounded or broken.  Suck all the pain, missy! I don’t know. I don’t want to reiterate that. Or even say, that skimboarding is more dangerous than surfing. I respect both water sports. They each have their own dangers, perks and what nots.

So the plan is… instead of saving for a surfboard and getting some rack on the car, I might as well get a good oh-so good foam board. I’m thinking Zap or Exile, or maybe just a basic Victoria foamie. Well, you can’t get a good foamie here. I’ve seen the Victoria foamie, it’s not really me. I think I’m more of a Zap. I don’t know. That’s it! That will be my gift to myself. But then, I can get that around what? December? I mean, I could buy local foamies.  I deserve a kick-ass cool skimboard by now. I love my Beavis board, but I want something real. REAL. I want a Medium Zap Wedge. *sigh* I so love skimboarding, like how writing loves me. It should be something good, like an expensive pen. My skimboard is my other stick.  Actually, it’s my boyfriend. But now I have someone… hehehehe couldn’t be prouder he got a skimboard as well. Life is good, yeah?

*Cielo focus on the skimboard. Shorebreak. Say, I’m a skimboarder and not a surfer!*

As I feel my heart beats so fast and being left even without forty winks, I realize that this is the first of the twelve days before my birthday. The 29th. If I live beyond the final day of the 28th, then I shall live. Life, meaning I should start making plans. Future, I guess, or whatever that means. I should stop asking and start finally living like more than my surreal existence with only pseudo reality. But then again, I’ll be asking for too much normalcy. How ugly would be my withdrawal? Should I leave now? Should I still stay in my dreamscapes and Poseidon embraces? In this first of the twelve days before my own judgment, I wish for my own this time. What I should want for myself for a change:

1. smiles and lots and lots of real smiles. like that, definitely oh that smiles when I’m there out in the sun, on the beach. i want that smiles everywhere, more than rainy nights and vanilla ice creams;

2. my own home. a nice hut with my love, looking at my love everyday; listening to the whispers of the salty breeze; and, sinking into the million glittering dust;

3. absolute liberty and uncanny safety. to afford and not to limit existence. to let go and get hold of….

4. golden tan and glow in the dark moments;

5. pages that make a difference in the silver screen or in any way;

6. a new bestfriend that could only be mine. let me be selfish this time;

7. flowers. i want flowers. moors. fields. daisies. dandelions. plumeria and all the hibiscus in the world. blue blue hibiscus. i want blue hibiscus with big petals;

8. red velvet cake with candles of forgiveness;

9. trees. i want my own forest. big trees and leafy grounds;

10. perfect perfect oh so perfect shore break;

11. goodness. love. more, much much more love to give.

12. and perhaps somehow to be finally loved back. to accept; to welcome; and not, to refuse or to run away from.

OMG! It’s still the same. I can’t change. I wish I could like, just wish for money, fame and what nots. I can’t think of anything. I guess, I’m staying. This is my life, woe to those who get confused.

Turn to the living and cry
What sensed makes no difference
even with another try.

Spaces and guesses
Seats and gists
Here and there,
Sometimes it’s just hard
to be everywhere.

To count
To hold;
To be bold and unfold.
It’s not just right
when things are more than the light.

Unlikely, perhaps!
Undoubtly ‘just mishaps:

Of you and you,
But, me and me… just me.
Little me and some things askew.

*reference to Dave Matthews Band …space between.

There are things that have to be left unsaid. But then, what about honesty? Truth hurts. I hurt. It’ s just the way it is. Sometimes they visit - monsters of the past shaking my bright sunshine. Sometimes the darkest place is the safest place. Tonight, I want to go back. I want to spend a little time, if not more, with them. They might be painful, but I have gotten used to them and all the agony they bring.

Hello my friends. Let’s get wasted. Let’s get down to pain as you all like it. Flattering not to quit on me. Now come and sing to me.

Ugh! Ugh! Okay I’m talking to my mother right now. She still can’t let go of the idea of getting back to law school. *phew* Say it loud. I AM A WRITER. I AM A WRITER. I WILL ALWAYS BE A WRITER. Yes, I can talk. I can argue and damn I’m so fcking good. I can make anybody sorry for that matter. But see, I am a lover  not a fighter. I don’t like arguing. I don’t like rationalizing things, although I do that all the time. What makes them want me to become a lawyer? I make my parents so sorry for my mistakes. I can turn the table around and make them feel bad. I mean, I’m not one of those kids who rebel blah blah blah… but when I talk. I talk, really talk. Calm, composed but piercing. I have the exact reasons that will make them crumble and say… “This girl has to be a lawyer.” But there is no art in lawyering. Besides, I have to wear those clothes. Stiffy clothes with heels and those makeup. Geezh, like wear the laws. Whatever!

While I’m still trying not to succumb to mom’s pestering, I’m too excited to give my daddy a present. I have no plans, but hey it’s about time to give back. Not that he requires me. I mean, I still can ask him for anything I want. *roll eyes* Talking about being daddy’s spoiled brat. I want to give him something expensive and useful. I guess this is it.

So then, there goes my plan on having an urban life. I have been meaning to invest in a condo hotel type abode. There goes my savings… there goes everything. Well, it’s just a little fraction of the whole amount. But then, when I start spending to give… damn I am giving it all. I’m now thinking of buying everybody what they want. Yeah…. hmmnn. It’s not me to save money. I’m born to spend it. Ha! I love giving makes me feel Santa Claus-y.

Let me tell you why I quit my rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. The habits. The idea of momentary pleasure that only lasts for few hours. That’s it! When I go home I always ask myself - then what? so that’s happiness? for what? just a night? It’s pathetic to even ask them, but all the while after the afterparties. It’s always those questions. Of course, I love the music. I love the crowd. I love it when my friends play on stage, and even love it when they get to have encores.

Every now and then I go back. I do enjoy it somehow, but it’s not me anymore. I’m just in it for an eye in the corner, watching people get to where I’ve already been. Yup, I’ve seen a girl last night who was me 10 years ago. Ha! I feel old for that matter. Naah! It’s not really my real crowd. Everybody wants to be cool and rocki’n *roll eyes* This is why I love metal gigs better than pop rock or whatever those bands tag themselves. Everybody just want to be evil and screamin’

It’s funny how the beach has changed me a lot and took me away from this so-called dark life:

The booze - I’ve learn to refrain from drinking so much. I’m so afraid that I cannot make it to the session the next day. I might miss a good swell because of a hangover.

The smoking - I’ve stopped smoking. I’ve been so worried that I might cut my air shorter and shorter. If I smoke more, I can run less with a very frustrating speed.

Midnight eats - I can’t put more weight. It’s hard to run heavy. I got my many shares of mockery when I show up on the beach with a belly. And they are males throwing words at you, “Hey guys look at Cielo, she got so fat?!” I only gain a little and it’s a big deal to them. It’s a big NO to show up with extra weight and lighter skin, or at least that’s how it works in Opol. I’ve been a resident skimmer there for awhile.

The sleep - I need a good sleep to keep up with the guys. Come on! I don’t really like them shouting at me, “What the **** are you standing there for?! Don’t be a girl! Go rip!”  I don’t like everybody’s looking at me. Giving me that look… the wtf?! look. Remember that scene in Blue Crush where the guys make way for Anne-Marie. Oh yeah I have crazy plenty of them. I can’t even cry when I cut myself, not even when I’ve fractured my bone. I have to suck all the pain in and be a man!

I know many skimboarders get wasted or so. I do too sometimes with them. But, I have learned discipline because of I want to stay in the circle. But then again, I cut loose once in awhile. It won’t hurt.  I guess. Of course, I have to pay for whatever I do. Like if I smoke one cigarette, I have to run 5K for that. Something like that or so. I’m not a health freak, but I’m serious about my game.

Just some rainy nights with chaii and her camera:

Every time I spend time with chaii, it still amazes me how we get along. I mean, she’s the ex-girlfriend of my kick-ass cool (not anymore eventually) phat ex-boyfriend. What do you know, two ex-girlfriends of JK hanging out. While I don’t have any hangups, somebody has. Lol! Sorry chaii! Don’t worry he doesn’t know this blog. Clincher: JK wants to hang out on December… chaii, JK and me. How about that? Wtf?! The Exes? XXX? I hope he brings his present girl. She’s sooooo out of our league. Why did JK have her anyway? Err… because she is not like us? Ha! Who knows?! Who cares?! Too bad I’m not going to be here anymore by that time. Good luck chaii, keep those what need keeping. Hahahahaha Don’t trip, yeah? Check more chaii’s photography slash digital art, CLICK HERE.

For quiet some time, I am in denial like Anne said. But today I say, I am ready to admit that I found the most beautiful soul. I am definitely sure he is the one. I think I’m completely into his deep void and sunny disposition. I’m not afraid now. Really. I am in love.

How about this B? Check out your pic! Ha! Gotcha!

And then I get to eat a full decent meal this morning. Sort of. What so decent about fastfood breakfast? This is the closest thing I could have as far as being here. A decent meal always comes with the people you love. It’s not really the food. It has always been the company. The talk. The stories. The laugh. Aside from my family, I love breakfast at Tan’s with Kris and Sam. My very own food people. I love food. I eat what my heart dictates, even if it means gaining weight.

I dine out. I eat out. I don’t even care if I spend that much on a dinner or lunch. But, there are certain stuff that I only consume when I’m with a specific person or people. For examply, coffee. I only drink coffee with Tan or Kal and Kal’s boyfriend. Food is an intimate medium. That’s why I only cook for the people I love. Strange as it may seems, but I believe that what makes a dish delicious is a sprinkle of love. I don’t know maybe it’s just me. I also hate eating alone. Food taste so bland and colorless without someone.

What I want to eat now? HOME FOOD with fruit smoothie afterwards. More smoothies!!! Smoothies!