I know that 6,000 miles from here, I am so much loved. Has it not for my current situation, I would have gone back. I would have simmered in such a wonderful feeling. I would have carted my little darling with me. He would have started to know how is it to be truly loved in a celebratory way.
Honestly, I just want my husband to celebrate me, perhaps thank me for being a mother. I mean, coming to think of it, I still cannot imagine myself in a maternal position. I mean really, even more, because I am taking on most of his paternal role. I deserve a cake. I deserve flowers. I deserve a pair of nice earrings. I deserve sincere gratitude most of all.
Oh well, my son has done all that. My sweet sweet boy. My purpose of life. My reason of breathing. As much as I am joyous knowing his gesture, I am heartbroken since he filled his dad's shoes as a husband. My son's pure and true love is more that enough for me, really. I just need to constantly remind myself, especially if I need to feel affection from my husband. I have to accept that he has already abandoned me a long time ago. Even if we are together, his presence is not with me or our family anymore. He is more of a visitor. He becomes my unwelcome guest, or that's how it feels so lately.
I am going to celebrate myself. I have done my crying. There are still residues of hurt, but I am mostly fine. I guess, meditation works. And so, I am celebrating myself as a mother, a job I have never imagined I would ever take on. I am celebrating my purpose. I am going to see to it that I finish with flying colours.
Now I am going to get myself a gift,
sC